I was originally going to post this on a Paizo RPG Superstar thread, but it got longer and more personal than I felt belonged there. Plus, I know not everyone wants to read about my quirkiness.
A quick history of RPG SS for those who do not follow it - Paizo has a once a year contest to help them find previously undiscovered game design talent. Some incredibly talented men and women have entered over the years and gone on to become household names in the gaming community. There are usually 5 rounds of game design "tests" to see how each contestant does with a Survivor-esque voting that reduces the initial Top 32 contestants to 16, 8, 4 and then a single winner, who is offered the opportunity to write a game adventure. The other Top 4 are also offered smaller writing opportunities and often many of the competitors names appear in third party publications. Entries are judged by industry experts and voted on by Paizo community participants (customers). It's like getting a crash Master's course in game design. Now, on with the blog.
"I cannot stress how much this contest helps folks design confidence, and seems to give them the designer's writing bug, which IMO is a great thing! Owen's and the Paizo teams hard work has allot to do with that, so, keep it up folks!" - GM_Beernorg, Paizo forum
If you are at all competitive it becomes very easy to rise to the bait of writing with everything you've got once you see your name in the Top 32 list. I never had aspirations to be a game designer and over the years I stated I would never enter RPG Superstar. Then they changed Round 1 and the rest is RPG SS history. Not only did this year's contest show the gaming community what I was capable of, it showed me what I was capable of. The last three months have been transformative for me, to look at myself not as "just a player" but as someone who has something to contribute to the community and that everyone has something to contribute (I already knew the second part).
Self-confidence is something that I only look like I have in abundance. Self-doubt and constantly worrying about not being good enough, smart enough, clever enough, strong enough or enough of anything has plagued me my entire life. I'm sure it plagues most people and our own insecurities are what keep us from telling others that we are in a constant state of fear of failure. It is this realization that drives me to write this blog, so that others won't feel like they are alone.
I cannot overstate how grueling it is to be a competitor in RPGSS. No matter how much you've done as a designer, you will eventually hit a point where you're doing something new and you're "behind" on the curve. You have to choose quickly and wisely which parts you have to focus on and which parts you're willing to hear the judges and voters shred. I always felt vindicated when the criticisms were about the exact things that I felt that they should be. It was hard to not perseverate on the little things, mostly because I am mildly obsessive (or a lot, I try to be honest in my blog.) It was easier in the early rounds to keep myself busy during the voting periods, because I had to learn about making monsters, what the parts of an encounter were, what Nar-Voth was, etc. This last voting period has been utterly nerve-wracking, wondering if people would like what I had to offer. So, I would go back and re-read the feedback I'd gotten on previous rounds and on social media.
The feedback is incredible. If you do follow RPG SS I have a request for you for next year - leave feedback on everything you read. Even if it is just "I really liked what you did here" or "The person above said better what I was going to say, but I wanted you to know I felt that way too." Positive feedback is just as important as critical feedback. Not only do I need to know what you thought I should change, I need to know what you thought I did right the first time out. It also let's me know that you read it and that it spoke to you. RPGSS isn't set up to reaffirm me as a human being, but it doesn't hurt to do that for someone who is in a stressful situation. That doesn't just apply to RPG SS either!
I heard from people I hadn't talked to in years or even ever. I discovered the mostly silent portion of the community that I touched with my ideas. It was invigorating and deeply reaffirming to know that I resonated on the same level with so many people. Individuals reached out to me publicly and privately to tell me wonderful things about myself that I didn't even realize that they could see about me. Several people said things that made me cry. The encouragement I received was devastatingly uplifting and humbling.
I learned how to listen to my inner voice, the voices of my alpha readers and how to take feedback to incorporate what made sense and what didn't. It was easy to accept that I didn't know it all, because whoa did I not know anything going into this and maybe that helped me more than anything else. Any advice was good advice. I did get some great advice.
I had two very crucial conversations prior to turning in my final entry. The first was between me and one of my most trusted pit crew members (my alpha team). He told me that he felt my decision to revisit my previous work was a mistake because of a prior situation that did not go well for a former competitor. I listened to his concerns and he was so right to tell me what he did. I needed to know that the odds were stacked against me and that by choosing the path I did that there could be harsh backlash But it was the only idea I had, it was the story that resonated in me and I couldn't shake it. He told me not to hang on to things if they didn't work and "Just dig down until you find the core idea of WHY you like them so much."
On the last day I planned to write, one of my oldest friends called me and he gave me the last piece of advice that I really needed to hear - "Do not be afraid to succeed." He was so right. I was the one thing that was holding me back. It was liberating. It drove me to change several things at the last minute which I feel moved me personally from feeling "This is kind of cool" to "OMG, I cannot believe I wrote that, but it's freaking amazing!"
Today is the day that Paizo reveals the winner of the 2015 RPG Superstar contest and I have 6.5 hours before I find out if that person is me or not (not that I'm counting the time or anything), but I now know that whether or not I am named Superstar 2015 I have a lot of things in my mind and heart that I can use to create imaginative stories that other people would like to experience. I would have never known this without a contest I didn't even really want to enter. So, if you ever get a chance to try something that you're not sure you'd like but you think you might, try it, you might discover something incredible about yourself that you didn't know before and it could change your world. Find your core. Don't be afraid to succeed. Don't be afraid to be amazing.
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