Captain of this Ship

It's been almost two weeks since I took leave of my senses and decided to put my personal life and opinions on public display. It has been an incredibly liberating and humbling experience. So many of my friends and family have been supportive in ways I never expected. Complete strangers have said the nicest things to me. It gives me a sense of deep optimism about this endeavor.

I wanted to take a moment to introduce myself properly, to give my readers context about me and help promote understanding in this flawed media. 

My name is Monica and I am at this time a 42 year old woman, who identifies with the gender I was assigned at birth. I am in a committed heterosexual relationship with my husband, Andrew. We have two children, Kate, 10, and Thomas, 6. We are all gamers of some variety or other. Andrew is mostly a table top gamer. Kate and Thomas are mostly electronic gamers, due in part to their earlier inability to read, write and do math, as they get older, they are becoming table top gamers as well. I am quite a bit of both. 

I am a direct person, who says things directly. Sometimes it sounds really great in my head, but when it gets out of my head and on paper, well, it is definitely not what I meant to say. I hope that you will give me a chance and try to understand what it is I am actually trying to say. I will never be offended by a person who is trying to convey their message with our inadequate form of communication, coupled with the one dimensional media of the internet. If I say something that is offensive, please ask me to clarify respectfully. It is never my intention to offend or hurt another person. Or at least, not in an off-handed casual way. I have an odd and sarcastic sense of humor. A lot of times the strangest things amuse me and they simply don't make sense outside of my head.

I started my gaming career with Atari's Pong. I'm not sure why my parents bought it, but who cared!? It was great. I quickly became addicted to Atari's Adventure when it became available. I spread my gaming wings at arcades and the bowling alley, where they also had arcade games. I loved Dragon's Lair (thank goodness someone finally posted the game all the way through on Youtube, I never did win), Gauntlet, Spy Hunter and many others. I may have dated a guy who worked at the local arcade for free games. I was young, we all make bad decisions.

I remember when I was a freshman in High School we had a family game night at the school and some of my fellow classmates, all boys, were just sitting around a table, with paper and dice. I was able to find out that they were playing AD&D, although they didn't really seem open to my joining their campaign. Their lack of desire to have me join was all I needed to get myself to the local bookstore and acquire my very own Red Box Edition. Forget those jerks, I didn't need them! I had a younger brother that I could pretty much talk into doing anything at least once. 

My guess is we did it all wrong, but we sure had a good time doing whatever it was we were doing. Our table top gaming didn't last very long because we had our Nintendo and we had to figure out all the finishing moves in "Mortal Kombat". We had our priorities. I discovered comic books to supplement my voracious sci-fi and fantasy reading habit at this time as well. Life was good then.

As the years past, I still loved video games. I went on to finish college with a degree in Biology, because Madeleine L'Engle made me do it. I still read fantasy and sci-fi books like a fiend, but table top gaming wasn't something that I was participating in, I didn't really even know where to look for a group had I wanted to. 

Then my little brother came to me one day in the mid '90's and said "Hey, there's this game, where you pretend to be vampires, and you dress up and walk around. You want to go with me?!" How could I say "No" to something like that? So, I went and had my first experience in White Wolf's Vampire: The Masquerade. I met my husband that very first night. I met a lot of people who are still my friends to this day. Gaming changed my life in a very good way. 

I found people who all enjoyed a lot of the same kinds of things I liked. We would stay up ridiculously late talking about "personal horror" and what it meant to us. We would see movies together, I was invited to other games, which led to my deep love for Werewolf: The Apocalypse. And pretty much every other line WW had to offer. It was at this time I also discovered CCG's and played in many L5R tournaments, including winning a best of three at Origins. It was pretty awesome. Unicorn Clan rocks, who doesn't love running down their enemies on horseback?

My husband also had a deep fondness for D&D, so we added it to our regular rotation. When we discovered we were expecting our first child, we had a sit down, heart to heart talk about how maybe "personal horror" wasn't the kind of game we should be playing where our young, impressionable children might overhear us. We moved our WW books to the shelves and moved more firmly into 3.0 then 3.5.

It was a sad day when WoTC announced that they were thinking about going to 4.0, but they didn't know what they were really going to do. They waffled around. They stopped having Paizo publish Dungeon and Dragon. I still really miss those publications, that's where I discovered Wil Wheaton wasn't a jerk, after all, but a really cool gamer dad, who knew? And on and on, WoTC seemed lost. So, we waited, along with all the good people at Paizo and when they decided they were going to take the proverbial bull by the horns, we hopped on the bull with them and what a ride it was. 

In the end, we had a shiny new Pathfinder and WotC was left in our dust. I have never once regretted our decision to go with the company that was open, honest and truly loved their fans. I was astonished at how respectful of their audience they were and genuinely interested in what we had to say. It was refreshing. It is has been our weekly game of choice here since 2008.

Even more time has passed and now we have two children. We recently funded Monte Cook's Numenera Kickstarter which was just magic to watch happen. We have enjoyed a whole new system of RP that is less crunchy and much easier to help bring our children to the table. Reading, writing and math aren't quite the struggle they once were and they have such creative minds, I love to watch them learn and think things through. It's fun to be a part of their problem solving process. Gaming has opened up a lot of topics of conversation that would never come up organically.

During all of this I was meeting new and interesting people. People who were not like me in many ways, but drawn together because of our hobby. People who were different ethnicity, sexual orientations, religions, and heaven only knew what, but they were all people and for the most part, really good people. 

Gaming has given me opportunities that I have not gotten anywhere else. I learned more about myself pretending to be other people than I thought imaginable. I learned more about other people than I could have ever done at home. I traveled, experienced new places and new ways of thinking and seeing things. I found a community of diverse and beautiful people. I want to give back to them and I want to celebrate who they are, so here we are, you, me and everyone else working toward Maximized Empowerment.

Where Angels Fear to Tread

As we approach October, National Bullying Prevention Month, I am faced with bullying on a personal front here at home. One of my reasons for pursing Gender-Role-Playing is directly related to the fact that I have a 10 year old daughter who loves things that girls are traditionally not supposed to love, history, math, science, fantasy, she's not a girlie girl. Many of us know now that that is a bunch of hogwash and girls can love whatever and whomever they like, but practical application of this process is still in it's early phases.

Through the years, my daughter has struggled with one of her greatest strengths, she is incredibly sensitive and kind to others. It's easy to see how this is also her greatest weakness, that is regularly exploited by others. But my Kate, she turns the other cheek. She would harm no other living creature of this I am certain. I am a strong willed, out spoken person. I have tried to teach her how to "tell someone off" but she comes back with things like, "But mom, I feel sorry for that person. They are just sad and angry because their parents are getting a divorce." And then I feel like the world's worst mother who has been taught a beautiful lesson in compassion by my own offspring. Having Kate in my life has by far made me a much better person. In return, I want to make the world a better place and more deserving of being in her presence.

This week has tested my family, because Kate is starting to show the signs of stress in ways that make me fear for her. Studies have shown that individuals who have been bullied are at greater risk for numerous issues, mental illness being one of them. The last few nights I have had very heady conversations with my daughter that I simply was not prepared for and last night she revealed she was scared of how she felt and that sometimes she just wanted to hurt herself.

Let that sink in, she is 10 years old.

We talked, we cried, we shared stories and we made a plan. Today I started the execution of that plan. I talked with my husband, then I contacted her school's Principle and Counselor, my parents (who watch my children while my husband and I both work) and my friends network. There is no way I can do this alone. There is no way my daughter can or should do this alone. I have faith in us to be able to come together and get through this difficult and frightening time.

So, where does the bullying come in? It manifests in a couple of subversive ways. There is a girl that has been a thorn in Kate's side for a while. This girl happens to be in Kate's class this year and unbeknownst to myself, they sit next to each other this year. This girl appears to have made it her life's goal to cut Kate down. She is dismissive and rude to Kate, deliberately and verbally excluding her from conversations with one of the girls Kate has been friends with since 1st grade. She herds the other girls so they don't engage with Kate in meaningful ways. My mother watched Kate sit at the lunch table with all the girls in her class and not a single girl spoke with my daughter. Kate is not being beat up, no one is harassing her, no one is threatening her. They have simply marginalized her to the point of deep and unending isolation. This is a torture worse than death.

Due to reasons the school has, which in many cases are valid, Kate cannot sit at another table. But I have gone to the people who can make the decision for an exception and I hope that this will change. I have every reasonable expectation that Kate will not be sitting next to this girl any longer in class. Possibly ever. We have made arrangements to spend more one on one time together as mother and daughter as well as try to find some time to hang out with friends outside of school.

My daughter is a resilient individual. She always has a bright smile and a bounce to her step. I will not allow anyone to take that away from her and I will continue to teach her how to protect herself from those who seek to do so.

Bullying comes in many shapes and sizes. Not all bullying is in your face, beat you up, take your lunch money. It can be nefarious, sneaky and underhanded too. At no point in time does one person *ever* have to make someone feel bad so that another can feel good about themselves. That is not how things have to work. It has been my experience that the very act of lifting another person up also lifts me up. I learned this mostly from my daughter.

When you see someone being treated poorly, do not assume that they deserve it. It is a pretty horrible person who deserves to be mistreated, I actually cannot think of any reason when that would be appropriate. Bullying will only stop if we intercede. Bullies will continue their bad behavior. It's scary to make yourself their target to protect someone else. However, I have never once regretted standing up for someone who couldn't stand up for themselves. Can you live with knowing you didn't stand up for someone when you could have?

As a community, gamers, geeks and nerds are frequently the targets of bullying and we shy away from it and those who engage in that behavior. Avoiding conflict is a lot easier, I get that. But, it's really hard to deal with the fall out of children killing themselves or their classmates, adults killing their coworkers, the list of tragedies goes on and on. The only way to stop bad things from happening is to stop the initial stimuli that started the whole ball rolling.

There are so many things that can, should and have been said about this topic, I'm certain I will speak on it again. Remember, you have the power to stop bad things from happening and be someone else's hero. If you're having a bad day, you do not have to pass it on to the next person. Bad days happen, but you get to choose how you react. Choose to be positive and proactive. Lift someone else up today. Tell someone how much you appreciated that little thing they did for you. Say "Please" and "Thank you" and mean it. Never let an occasion to praise someone pass you by. DO THIS EVERY DAY. Sometimes that's easier than others, the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit, the easier it becomes. We can end bullying, but we have to start and today I started in earnest. Today I rushed in where others have feared to go and I will continue to do so.

Love one another.

Edited for update: For those of you who expressed concern for my daughter's well-being after yesterday's Blog post, I wanted to let you all know that she is doing very well. Her teacher and school administrators take these things very seriously and addressed our concerns immediately. 

If you are having similar issues and you need some moral support, please do not hesitate to contact us here at G-R-P privately. We cannot fix the world, but we will stand with you while we try.

Remember to love one another.


---------------
There are a lot of great places to check out for anti-bullying information. For places to start, I recommend:
http://www.stopbullying.gov/index.html
http://twloha.com/
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/
http://www.nctsn.org/resources/public-awareness/bullying-prevention-awareness-month
http://www.hrc.org/issues/pages/schools?gclid=CIz0y7_35rkCFU-Z4AodMkgArw
http://www.standforthesilent.org/

And if you or someone you love is having problems with bullies at school, contact the local administration. Do not stop fighting for your loved ones.

"Not all those who wander are lost." ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

Today marks the 76th publication anniversary of The Hobbit, another book near and dear to my heart and probably millions of others out there. The second part of the movie trilogy, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug, releases December 13, 2013. There will undoubtedly be a lot of media coverage in the interim time, today will be no exception. This is not intended to be a predictive piece of writing, I am very excited about the second movie, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on what it means to me to be a fan of a large franchise.

Books, comic books and their subsequent movies have been the topic of many conversations between their fans and critics alike. Which version is better? Which screenplay best captures the original material? Who played the best rendition of the hero/villain/sidekick? The conversations go on and on, sometimes resulting in very strong opinions and angry words. It is in this area of fandoms that I wish to hold my discussion, on the pervasive desire for some fans to be correct and sometimes combative about their opinions on their favorite subject matter.

When an author writes a story, they hope to communicate a set of emotions, thoughts, ideas and story elements to their audience, usually for the purpose of entertainment. Sometimes to convey information and often to provoke some critical thinking on the part of the reader. Some writers will tell you that their story means 'exactly this' while others will say 'it means whatever you think it means', either way, if they were a good communicator, you have a good idea of what the point of their piece was intended to be in the end.

However, when it comes to translating written works, which can have about 100k words, to movies, which average around 120 minutes, there is frequently something left out of the book in order to make a (hopefully) cohesive movie. Someone makes that decision, this can be the screenplay writer, the director, the producer, the editor or any combination of the above. Those individuals have favorite parts of the original material that means a lot to them. Sometimes they like parts of the original material that just doesn't do it for other fans. As more and more people become involved in the making of a feature length film, the more the influence of the team color and shape the film until it is difficult to tell where one person's thoughts ended and another's began.

I think I can say with some authority that writers and film makers do not deliberately set out to create bad books or movies. That simply does not seem like a successful business plan to me. If you're going to go into the entertainment industry in some fashion, you are likely to want to entertain some people, not offend or disgust them. Sadly, not all productions succeed at pleasing most of the people most of the time. It is unfortunate, but it does happen. The most important thing to remember when you are not satisfied with someone's interpretation of your favorite story: This does not invalidate your love for a fandom or the enjoyment you derived from the original source material.

No one can take away from you that which is inside of you. Ever. If you don't like one director's version of your favorite comic book character, then don't watch it. No one will ever be forced to watch Ben Affleck as Batman, I promise. The best advice I have for anyone is to give something a shot and try to enjoy it for it's own merit. I loved J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, but I don't think Chris Columbus approached the first two movies with a wide enough vision for laying the groundwork for the subsequent 6 movies. He focused on the very cool special effects, but left some of the small and seemingly unimportant throw off comments out of the film. Comments which Rowling hangs the plot for follow up stories on later down the line. Did this make Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone a terrible film? No, but it was hard to follow for those who had not read the books. In the case of some of my friends, they have sworn off the books, even though Ms. Rowling was in no way to blame for the condition of the film's storytelling flaws.

We were watching the film The Cabin in the Woods, which is full of names and faces I recognize and love. Now, a quick note about me, I try to avoid the hype leading up to film releases, because I firmly believe in enjoying a film for what it is, not what other people think it should be. So, I had a very small preconceived notion about what this film would be - a horror film of some kind with people in it that I liked. About halfway through the film I finally gave into my disappointment and said to my husband, "This is the worst horror film I have ever seen." It was then that he educated me by saying, "Honey, it's a farce. You know, like the Scream movies." A light bulb actually went off over my head. I had been watching the film all wrong! By refocusing my expectations to the the reality of the piece, I realized it was one of the best films of it's kind I had seen in a long time. It's fun and quirky, definitely a B-cult film by design and I enjoyed the rest of the movie greatly.

Being a member of the audience is really easy. Making something entertaining is really hard. As new comic book and novel inspired movies begin to make their way to us for the Holiday Season, please remember this: No one can take away how you feel, but you also cannot take away how someone else feels either. Every person has the privilege of deciding for themselves whether or not they want to fall in love with or dislike the same fandom you fell in love with or disliked. Their choice does not validate nor invalidate your choices and emotions. You may love or dislike the next big fan movie and that is your privilege to do so. It is also their privilege and my privilege to disagree with you. Let's just do it respectfully. Keep looking for the part in the story that makes you think and dream, even if it's for something better than what you just experienced. Maybe we'll both find a deeper appreciation for the next rendition of Batman or the New Jedi Order. Maybe we'll get lucky and we'll wander with purpose to the next great film.

Saving the Galaxy One Planet at a Time

Back before Facebook and Blogger, I used LiveJournal, I know, it was the land before time, we owned dinosaurs as pets too. I loved the opportunity that LJ provided, where I could put down long tracks of words that ran on for hours and may or may not have said something important. I called my LJ "Saving the Galaxy One Planet at a Time" and I meant in the sense that change starts locally and in small, manageable portions. Time has moved on and the Internet has grown social media to a point where people of like minds and interests are able to find one another without leaving their home town, country or time zone. The sharing of information has become rampant, spreading like wildfire, moving so quickly sometimes you miss something you wanted to see and didn't even know existed.

I'm a pretty slow moving creature at times. Things pass me by, I have to think about them, digest them slowly and make them a part of my paradigm. I suppose that makes me a Sarlacc in a way. However, once I find something I really like, it is with me forever, a part of me. Somewhere in my past, I decided I really liked the idea of helping people. It first stared with the book "A Wrinkle in Time" by Madeleine L'Engle, the book had science mixed with science fiction and mitochondrial DNA. I can't tell you how many crazy places that book and mDNA have guided me - through high school biology, a Bachelor's Degree in Biology, nursing license, on and on. That one book made me who I am today, because I knew in my young 9 year old soul that through science I could successfully help people have better lives than what they were living right now. I will admit, I am the most surprised by this revelation: It seems to have worked. I may not be rich and famous, but I am happy with where my life has brought me, that every day I make the lives of others better by my own existence. Real people actually have more fulfilling and satisfying lives because of me and the work I do. All because of a YA Sci-fi/fantasy novel I loved and still love to this day. That book made all the difference in my life and the One Planet I live on right now and the sphere of influence I occupy.

Today, I challenge you, look at your life, what matters to you? What can you change? What can or has changed you? Who can you influence to make this a better planet to live on? Can you and will you help me save the galaxy, one planet at a time?

Maiden Voyage

Welcome to Gender-Role-Playing.

This is my dream: to live in a world where people feel good about who they are and support others in their pursuit of self-love regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation or other divergent preferences and beliefs.

How I hope to achieve this dream: by living a life that embodies these principles and reaching out to the portion of the population I know and love best, gamers. That will happen here in this blog, on Facebook at the community page, GenderRolePlaying, and hopefully one day through a sister podcast.

I am not a writer by any stretch, but I am passionate about gaming, crafting, music, books, movies and more. I believe that the table is big enough for everyone to have a seat and be treated with respect. I chose to focus on "Gender" because it is the one thing that I feel gives people some trouble, as I view the world. The gaming community is made up of individuals who have likely been mocked at some point in their lives for their choice in hobbies, regardless of their gender, and I think this makes this community an especially ripe fruit to pick for moving forward in gender equality.

There will be no "male bashing" here though. I will not tolerate any kind of nastiness from any side. I will remove any feedback that is not productive, such as name calling, trolling or otherwise detrimental to the process of promoting a caring environment. I want to work from a place of understanding and helping others to understand on both sides. Men and women are very different in a lot of ways, but we're also very much the same. We all want to have a life that is enjoyable to us and fulfilling. I'd like to help make that happen.

Gender issues are even more than just "men" and "women". There are those who do not identify with the binary gender paradigm. Additionally, when we open the gender can, we will be talking about sexuality, so if that makes you uncomfortable, I hope you will find other things here that will interest you. This blog will also look at things that range outside of gaming, but look at gender equality throughout the world.

As time goes on, I hope that this blog will be filled with interesting insights, discussion, sharing and information regarding all manner of nerd and geekdom goodies for all members of the community, regardless of which gender you identify with or the games that you like to play.

My parting thought to each and everyone of you who has taken the time to read this, thank you for being a part of my life, since the initial readers are probably all people I know personally. I love each and everyone of you for who you are and what you bring to this crazy bright world.