"War is what happens when language fails." ~ Margaret Atwood

After a heated conversation the other day, I felt like I needed to say something about my philosophy on my personal fight for equality.

I think people tend to forget, I am acutely aware of how awful the world is - every day men, women and children: suffer and die for want of potable water and food; suffer and die at the hands of dictators, guerrilla leaders and even legitimate government officials who have no concern for human life (yeah, we saw what you did Mexico); suffer and die because they are enslaved and mistreated by those who have shackled them; suffer and die at the hands of people who fear and hate them because they are different in some meaningless way; and suffer and die for countless other reasons that I cannot allow my heart to seek out for fear of breaking.

I work toward gender, race and sexual equality because we need to treat everyone like we want to be treated. We cannot expect respect if we do not give respect and there will be no equality if we expect extra compensation for past transgressions, that's not equality, that's revenge. It is human to seek revenge, to hurt the person or the person who is perceived responsible for hurting you as much as they hurt you. I know that my opinion on equality isn't generally accepted due to the fresh and constant pain that we are still experiencing due to inequity, I understand that, but it doesn't change how I feel or view the long term goals of my actions.

For me, equality isn't going to be fixed/solved/achieved in my lifetime, this is a war of attrition. We first must reach out to the people who are policy makers now and work with them for their understanding of how they can support policies that mitigate the pain that our collective history has filtered down to us through bad decisions and egos. Each and every person has suffered at some point and on some level from the "patriarchy" we currently have in place, if you don't believe me, ask yourself why we not only don't have national policies regarding maternity leave but why there is even less of a conversation going on about paternity leave, the "patriarchy" hurts everyone equally, it's the only equality to be found. We need to establish a dialogue, which by its very nature, is everyone involved talking with one another to correct misunderstandings and find a mutually acceptable plan. It is not the injured party making demands and expecting complete acquiescence to the demands made by those in power, that goes back to "equality is not revenge" I mentioned earlier.

We must also work with our peers and our children, teaching them and modeling for them what is acceptable behavior. When our public officials, media and other community leaders can easily be seen bullying and disrespecting others based on superficial items, such as gender, race, sexuality or disability, rather than the issues at hand - see all of the political campaign ads for the last 12 years - we are showing our peers and children that it is okay to behave outrageously. I have never really said that reality daytime television shows are awful, though I do believe that for the following reasons: They give the impression, to those who are not aware, that this is how our society functions - wondering who is the father of our child, fisticuffs to settle arguments and Jerry only knows what else. If you know that it is made up and scripted, it might be your brand of entertainment, but what about all those individuals who are impressionable, but not sophisticated enough to understand? There are still a lot of people who think that professional wrestling is athletic wrestling (it's not!) and that every in ring adversarial match is echoed off mat (although I do have a soft spot for pro-wrestling, so no hate mail). When grown ups behave badly and are not reprimanded or stopped, those behaviors are mirrored by an impressionable audience. Words hurt as much as sticks and stones, no matter how the saying goes.

Being good role models, walking the walk and talking the talk are going to be how we win our war of attrition for equality. I can change no one but myself, but by showing those around me that it is possible to think and act in a way contrary to hate and fear, to show others that is it possible to live a life in which people are treated equally and with respect and expecting equality and respect, it gives those who might not know how or not even know of another way the tools they need to put into their own life's toolbox for survival and success. It is never just that easy, nothing worth having ever is easy to get.

Life is full of choices to make and reactions to have - do we choose to react out of fear, anger and hatred or do we choose kindness, love and understanding? Every person must make that decision for themselves every time, all day long. It gets easier to pick love over hate, it takes practice. Our world is better now than it was 100 years ago and it will continue to improve. I wish it was faster, however I am a practical person when it comes to humanity's ability to change and evolve.

Someone in my circle of friends recently said that nothing ever changes without violence. I say that is rubbish. Nothing ever changes without change and actions, violence is an action, just like love. I know how awful the world is, I simply choose to follow the lead of others who have gone before me on the path of peaceful resistance, it's a wide path, there's room for more.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forewards.” - Kierkegaard

Note: this entry is my way of putting into words the pain I feel regarding the recent deaths and acts of violence. I do not claim to have any answers, I just needed to say some things and I hope in saying them I will reach that one person who can change the outcome of some event for the better. ~M


 
On May 18, 2014 21 year old college student Brogan Dulle went missing in the university neighborhood of Clifton in Cincinnati, Ohio. A city wide search begins for the well liked young man.

On May 23, 2014 22 year old Elliot Rodger stabbed and shot 22 people near the University of Santa Barbara. 7 people died, including Rodger by self-inflicted wounds.

On May 26, 2014 the remains of Brogan Dulle were discovered in the building next to his apartment building. His death is ruled a suicide.

On May 30, 2014 two 12 year old girls attempted to stab a girl they called friend to death after a slumber party. The victim survived by sheer luck and is in critical but stable condition at the time of this writing.

In a matter of 12 days our world has been rocked by the decisions of 4 people, who acted with their own agency to do harm to living breathing people, including themselves. For reasons both known and unknown, they followed their hearts and minds to a dark place and perpetrated violence of the most hateful kind.

Let's start with Elliot Rodger, his story is the best documented and extends back in time years. His family recognized he was a troubled young man over a decade ago. He struggled with his parents' divorce when he was 8 years old. Who wouldn't struggle with that? Children often internalize and blame themselves for the difficulties their family faces, despite that frequently not being the case. He received counselling with a therapist and was prescribed medications, which he eventually stopped taking. Elliot was bullied throughout school, including being taped to his desk when he fell asleep. He felt alone and isolated, those around him indicated he pushed them away. Rodger left behind numerous disturbing videos and 107,000 page manifesto, which he sent to his parents, therapist, friends and former teachers. Things started to come to a head in 2012 with more concern being expressed by his family and Rodgers began purchasing firearms, which at the time there were no legal reasons he would have been denied access. 

April 30, 2014 the police were contacted in regards to the videos and emails by Elliot's parents. The police determined that Rodger did not meet the criteria for an involuntary hold.

On April 30, 2014 the police determined that despite overwhelming evidence of a troubled mind and clear plan to kill people that Elliot Rodger did not meet the criteria for an involuntary hold. Evidence that they did not review because it was not in the protocols that they follow for such events.

Brogen Dulle was a well-liked young man from an affluent neighborhood in Cincinnati, Ohio. He grew up in the neighborhood I grew up in, went to the schools I went to and lived close to where I live now. He was a swim coach at a local swim club, he was a student at the University of Cincinnati. The night of his death he was out with friends having pizza. He left his friends to go look for his cell phone and was never seen again. There was no indications that he was upset, troubled, mentally ill, or anything else that would illuminate why someone who seemed to have everything going in his favor would be found, hanging in the basement of a building. It is hard to accept that this young man took his own life, but there is little evidence to indicate otherwise. There was no suicide note, but at some point he had the foresight to procure a crowbar and a length of rope as well as a bottle of wine.

This is an unfolding situation as I write this, 12 year olds Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser premeditated the attack and attempted homicide of their classmate, her name has been withheld, in order to prove the existence of a made up internet boogey man known as Slender Man. The victim was stabbed 19 times and left in a wooded area, she was able to crawl to a place where a passing bicyclist was able to find her and get her the subsequent assistance that will hopefully save her life. She is still in critical condition and fighting for her life. There is a level of premeditation in this attack that is astonishing to me. As someone who has planned things around a gaming table many times, these girls really had their ducks in a row. It is not an exaggeration to say that it is by sheer luck and perhaps a miracle that no major blood vessels or organs were damaged and the third girl remains alive at this time. Very little information has surfaced yet on the mental stability of these two girls, but they both express a conflict in themselves – "At one point, when talking with police, Geyser said she was sorry. She said she had put the knife back into her bag and wiped it off on her jacket. She then told a detective, 'It was weird that I didn't feel remorse.'"(1) And "When police asked Weier if she knew what it meant to kill someone, Weier said, 'I believe it's ending a life and I regret it.' Weier also said, 'The bad part of me wanted her to die, the good part of me wanted her to live.'"(1). Weier and Geyser tried to take the life of another girl who called them "friends", who trusted them and probably cared for them. They betrayed her so they could join a fictitious cult they found on an entertainment site on the internet. 

Where were the grown-ups in these girls' lives? Perhaps they were aware, perhaps not, I'm sure the story will continue to be told in the coming days. While it remains unclear how and when Weier and Geyser made their plans, it is clear that they had time and foresight to do so. Surely someone somewhere heard something and missed the meaning behind it.

On the surface these three cases seem to have very little in common, but when we look at the individuals involved we see four young people, ages 12 to 22. All of whom attempted or did take the life of someone. In the wake of the Isla Vista killings, University of California's President Janet Napolitano said "This is almost the kind of event that's impossible to prevent and almost impossible to predict." I say that Janet Napolitano is categorically incorrect in her statement. As the former Secretary of Homeland Security I would have hoped by now that she would know what the signs of impending violence are when presented with them.

When we see videos, forum dialogue and hear conversations that raise red flags in our minds as the audience, it is imperative that we take action. That we, as the audience speak up and continue to speak until our voices are heard. The lawmakers of California are outraged that the deputies involved in the Elliot Rodger investigation did not check the gun owners' registration that Rodger's name appeared on, had this been part of their protocol, they would have known, but it wasn't and so they didn't know and they choose to leave him at large. We do not need more laws to regulate weapons, we need our law enforcement personnel to have the support they need to use the tools that are already at their disposal. We need friends and family to not give up, to keep speaking out and to keep reaching out to those among us who are troubled. We most especially need to be paying attention to our loved ones, talking with them, listening to them and watching for warning signs. 

Today 8 people are dead and 14 people are seriously injured because we as a society missed the signs or failed to act accordingly to prevent the preventable. Each of these individuals have friends and families who are struggling to figure out what they could have done differently and come to terms with something that is not understandable. Not every tragedy is avoidable and I do not have all the answers, I wish I did, but I do know that if I didn't share these thoughts with you, I would be remiss in my responsibility as a member of the human race to reach out and try to help the other members of the human race have lives that were happy, healthy and safe.

 

1. Milwaukee, Wisconsin Journal Sentinel; June 2, 2014. http://www.jsonline.com/news/crime/waukesha-police-2-12-year-old-girls-plotted-for-months-to-kill-friend-b99282655z1-261534171.html

"I have not been sent to curse people, but as a mercy to all mankind.” – Prophet Muhammad

The title quote is attributed to the Prophet Muhammad under the circumstance of being asked by the Muslims to curse the infidels (as reported in Sahih Muslim).

Muslims, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Sikh, Hindu and every other religion, including those who do not profess faith in a higher power, on the face of this planet have been maligned at some time or other and each has been persecuted at one time or another. Most religions espouse loving kindness to others, they challenge the individual for personal growth and a growing proximity to perfection, the deity or ones ancestors. The faithful of these religions range from gentle peaceful devotees who try to walk in the enlightened footsteps of their revered teachers and saints to the self serving fanatical leaders who use their charismatic words to convince their followers that kidnapping, murder and acts of terrorism are sanctioned by their deity of choice.

It is these fanatics who darken the light of their truths, who give their brothers and sisters in faith unfair representation, these individuals become the face of their religions and give nonbelievers a reason to fear and hate. Hatred is a rare tenet of a belief systems. Religion becomes the anchor from which leaders like Adolf Hitler, Jim Jones, David Koresh, and Osama bin Laden float their message of hatred and personal gain. History is full of examples of "divine inspiration" veiling religious and political despotism. The news is currently filled with stories of Boko Haram, self proclaimed Muslim and kidnapper of nearly 300 girls in Nigeria. This is just the latest act of terrorism in a long line of acts of hatred from Haram.

We cannot allow the use of the word "Islam" by this morally destitute creature to color our opinions of those who also follow the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, just as we would hope others not of our own faith would judge us by those who claim the same divinity as ourselves. What we should be doing is seeking ways to help those who are able to affect change in the regions subjected to the horrors of men like Haram.

I have lost sleep over the tragedy of these young women. My heart goes out to them and their mothers, fathers and families. I have a heavy sense of dread knowing that we live in a world where at any time men feel that they can and should go into places of learning, worship or communities in general and take that which does not belong to them simply because they can. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, simply because you can does not mean that you should.

For those of you who doubt the reality of misogyny in our world, I direct you to the actions of people like Boko Haram, who believe that their place is above women, who views women and children as things to be stolen, used and sold. His actions damage the lives of others irrevocably, the scars will remain always. Although I am hopeful for the girls and their families that they will all be returned and able to heal, it is wishful thinking to believe that this is something they will ever forget. The longer they remain captive, the less likely it is that they will all be recovered. He has forced them into conversion to Islam. These are not the tenets of Islam nor the teachings of the Prophet. Nor are these beliefs shared by Christians, Jews, Buddhists nor any other religion known to me.

I have no answers on how to fix this nor can I make Haram give the girls back their freedom but I do know we cannot judge others by the actions of few. We must judge individuals for their own personal actions. We can stop these acts of terrorism through vigilance and self-empowerment. Learning to recognize when the message of hatred is threaded through the tapestry of belief and speaking out against it is our best weapon. Bringing those who violate others to justice is the tool we should use. Speaking to one another with words of kindness and show mercy and understanding. These methods will not change the world overnight, but they are the only way to move forward from our less civilized ways of life.

This way is not just limited to terrorists abroad or on a global scale. Such fear and hatred is present in our lives every day. People is positions of political and social leadership throughout the world who say and act on their feelings of fear.

We are mere mortals, humans with the life span of a scant handful of decades. We cannot hope to understand everything we encounter, but we can put aside our fear of the unknown and embrace those who are part of our journey as brothers and sisters in life. I do not live under the delusion we will like every person we encounter, nor will we be universally loved, but we make our own decisions and we are the rulers of our own hearts and minds. Some find it easier to follow this pursuit through the teachings of a spiritual or religious leader, some find that they are able to make their way through their own well tuned moral compass.

Do not seek to curse those around you, look to the wisdom of those who walk lightly on this earth and leave love and kindness in their wake. Reach out to those who are suffering and beaten down. Reject those who would have you hurt others to better themselves. Work within the political and social structures available to you to affect change. The opposite of Love is not hate, but fear, reject fear and live your life to it's fullest.

Enjoy maximized empowerment my friends.

"May the odds be ever in your favor!"

I wanted to take a moment to address something I had hinted at earlier in the Paizo RPGSS Season. It was my intention this year to do "Exit Interviews" for Top 32 contestants who were eliminated after each round. These men and women put a lot of work and effort into their entries and during the contest is not a time to be distracting them, but after each round drops their numbers, I had hoped to highlight them as they exited the stage for this season.

However, Andrew, my husband, is now in the Top 16 and I feel it is inappropriate for me to engage in that venture due to any perceived conflict of interest or potentially disqualifying him by accident.

Perhaps next year this vision of showcasing RPGSStars will be a joint effort that Andrew and I will both bring to the gaming community, should we find our time and effort less divided between contest and the rest of regular life. For this year though I will put aside my plans so I can be available to the Top 16 contestants that I am supporting behind the scenes and say to all of the participants "Good Luck and Good Job, may the best SuperStar win!"

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ~ Inigo Montoya

Earlier this week a meme went around with a quote from Dorothy Parker "Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common." This quote produced some discussion and a lot of thought on my part. The quote by Ms. Parker makes this distinction quickly with the sharp contrast of two words that anyone might use interchangeably without considering the deeper implications. What is "normal" and "common"? Why should or should we not use them interchangeably? Please indulge me sharing a few definitions with you, my dear readers.

Normal: usual or ordinary; not strange. Conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.

Common: occurring or appearing frequently; not rare. Of or relating to a community at large.

On the surface these two words seem synonymous, however I challenge that they hold subtle differences that when used in society to describe specific individuals these words can cause a sense of isolation and exclusion. Normal imparts a qualitative distinction, where Common imparts a quantitative designation. When something is "normal" it is regular and in keeping with expectations. When something is "common" it is frequently encountered.

The differentiating factor becomes more clear when we make the words antonyms. Normal to Abnormal and Common to Uncommon. Abnormal is consistently used to qualify situations or organisms with negative traits, e.g. abnormal growth, abnormal results, or abnormal behavior. Uncommon enumerates a rarely occurring circumstance or sought after quantity, e.g. uncommon valor, uncommon skills, or Uncommonly Good.

As we use our vast language, we must be mindful of the nuances that we unintentionally place in our conversations. I regularly lack the precise word I wish to use and must make do with the first word that comes to mind, whether it is the one I wanted or not. While communicating, it is convenient to use the first word on the tip of our tongues and brains, and certainly not always with the intention to injure another. Yet, when one considers the message that is being subtly sent each and every time the word "normal" is used in conjunction with something that is in fact "common" we are telling others that not being a part of the majority makes them an unwanted quality, such as cancer.

Women and men are both common and normal. Heterosexuality is common and normal. Homosexuality is less common and normal.

Love one another and experience #maximizedempowerment every day!