As we approach October, National Bullying Prevention Month, I am faced with bullying on a personal front here at home. One of my reasons for pursing Gender-Role-Playing is directly related to the fact that I have a 10 year old daughter who loves things that girls are traditionally not supposed to love, history, math, science, fantasy, she's not a girlie girl. Many of us know now that that is a bunch of hogwash and girls can love whatever and whomever they like, but practical application of this process is still in it's early phases.
Through the years, my daughter has struggled with one of her greatest strengths, she is incredibly sensitive and kind to others. It's easy to see how this is also her greatest weakness, that is regularly exploited by others. But my Kate, she turns the other cheek. She would harm no other living creature of this I am certain. I am a strong willed, out spoken person. I have tried to teach her how to "tell someone off" but she comes back with things like, "But mom, I feel sorry for that person. They are just sad and angry because their parents are getting a divorce." And then I feel like the world's worst mother who has been taught a beautiful lesson in compassion by my own offspring. Having Kate in my life has by far made me a much better person. In return, I want to make the world a better place and more deserving of being in her presence.
This week has tested my family, because Kate is starting to show the signs of stress in ways that make me fear for her. Studies have shown that individuals who have been bullied are at greater risk for numerous issues, mental illness being one of them. The last few nights I have had very heady conversations with my daughter that I simply was not prepared for and last night she revealed she was scared of how she felt and that sometimes she just wanted to hurt herself.
Let that sink in, she is 10 years old.
We talked, we cried, we shared stories and we made a plan. Today I started the execution of that plan. I talked with my husband, then I contacted her school's Principle and Counselor, my parents (who watch my children while my husband and I both work) and my friends network. There is no way I can do this alone. There is no way my daughter can or should do this alone. I have faith in us to be able to come together and get through this difficult and frightening time.
So, where does the bullying come in? It manifests in a couple of subversive ways. There is a girl that has been a thorn in Kate's side for a while. This girl happens to be in Kate's class this year and unbeknownst to myself, they sit next to each other this year. This girl appears to have made it her life's goal to cut Kate down. She is dismissive and rude to Kate, deliberately and verbally excluding her from conversations with one of the girls Kate has been friends with since 1st grade. She herds the other girls so they don't engage with Kate in meaningful ways. My mother watched Kate sit at the lunch table with all the girls in her class and not a single girl spoke with my daughter. Kate is not being beat up, no one is harassing her, no one is threatening her. They have simply marginalized her to the point of deep and unending isolation. This is a torture worse than death.
Due to reasons the school has, which in many cases are valid, Kate cannot sit at another table. But I have gone to the people who can make the decision for an exception and I hope that this will change. I have every reasonable expectation that Kate will not be sitting next to this girl any longer in class. Possibly ever. We have made arrangements to spend more one on one time together as mother and daughter as well as try to find some time to hang out with friends outside of school.
My daughter is a resilient individual. She always has a bright smile and a bounce to her step. I will not allow anyone to take that away from her and I will continue to teach her how to protect herself from those who seek to do so.
Bullying comes in many shapes and sizes. Not all bullying is in your face, beat you up, take your lunch money. It can be nefarious, sneaky and underhanded too. At no point in time does one person *ever* have to make someone feel bad so that another can feel good about themselves. That is not how things have to work. It has been my experience that the very act of lifting another person up also lifts me up. I learned this mostly from my daughter.
When you see someone being treated poorly, do not assume that they deserve it. It is a pretty horrible person who deserves to be mistreated, I actually cannot think of any reason when that would be appropriate. Bullying will only stop if we intercede. Bullies will continue their bad behavior. It's scary to make yourself their target to protect someone else. However, I have never once regretted standing up for someone who couldn't stand up for themselves. Can you live with knowing you didn't stand up for someone when you could have?
As a community, gamers, geeks and nerds are frequently the targets of bullying and we shy away from it and those who engage in that behavior. Avoiding conflict is a lot easier, I get that. But, it's really hard to deal with the fall out of children killing themselves or their classmates, adults killing their coworkers, the list of tragedies goes on and on. The only way to stop bad things from happening is to stop the initial stimuli that started the whole ball rolling.
There are so many things that can, should and have been said about this topic, I'm certain I will speak on it again. Remember, you have the power to stop bad things from happening and be someone else's hero. If you're having a bad day, you do not have to pass it on to the next person. Bad days happen, but you get to choose how you react. Choose to be positive and proactive. Lift someone else up today. Tell someone how much you appreciated that little thing they did for you. Say "Please" and "Thank you" and mean it. Never let an occasion to praise someone pass you by. DO THIS EVERY DAY. Sometimes that's easier than others, the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit, the easier it becomes. We can end bullying, but we have to start and today I started in earnest. Today I rushed in where others have feared to go and I will continue to do so.
Love one another.
Edited for update: For those of you who expressed concern for my daughter's well-being after yesterday's Blog post, I wanted to let you all know that she is doing very well. Her teacher and school administrators take these things very seriously and addressed our concerns immediately.
If you are having similar issues and you need some moral support, please do not hesitate to contact us here at G-R-P privately. We cannot fix the world, but we will stand with you while we try.
Remember to love one another.
---------------
There are a lot of great places to check out for anti-bullying information. For places to start, I recommend:
http://www.stopbullying.gov/index.html
http://twloha.com/
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/
http://www.nctsn.org/resources/public-awareness/bullying-prevention-awareness-month
http://www.hrc.org/issues/pages/schools?gclid=CIz0y7_35rkCFU-Z4AodMkgArw
http://www.standforthesilent.org/
And if you or someone you love is having problems with bullies at school, contact the local administration. Do not stop fighting for your loved ones.
Through the years, my daughter has struggled with one of her greatest strengths, she is incredibly sensitive and kind to others. It's easy to see how this is also her greatest weakness, that is regularly exploited by others. But my Kate, she turns the other cheek. She would harm no other living creature of this I am certain. I am a strong willed, out spoken person. I have tried to teach her how to "tell someone off" but she comes back with things like, "But mom, I feel sorry for that person. They are just sad and angry because their parents are getting a divorce." And then I feel like the world's worst mother who has been taught a beautiful lesson in compassion by my own offspring. Having Kate in my life has by far made me a much better person. In return, I want to make the world a better place and more deserving of being in her presence.
This week has tested my family, because Kate is starting to show the signs of stress in ways that make me fear for her. Studies have shown that individuals who have been bullied are at greater risk for numerous issues, mental illness being one of them. The last few nights I have had very heady conversations with my daughter that I simply was not prepared for and last night she revealed she was scared of how she felt and that sometimes she just wanted to hurt herself.
Let that sink in, she is 10 years old.
We talked, we cried, we shared stories and we made a plan. Today I started the execution of that plan. I talked with my husband, then I contacted her school's Principle and Counselor, my parents (who watch my children while my husband and I both work) and my friends network. There is no way I can do this alone. There is no way my daughter can or should do this alone. I have faith in us to be able to come together and get through this difficult and frightening time.
So, where does the bullying come in? It manifests in a couple of subversive ways. There is a girl that has been a thorn in Kate's side for a while. This girl happens to be in Kate's class this year and unbeknownst to myself, they sit next to each other this year. This girl appears to have made it her life's goal to cut Kate down. She is dismissive and rude to Kate, deliberately and verbally excluding her from conversations with one of the girls Kate has been friends with since 1st grade. She herds the other girls so they don't engage with Kate in meaningful ways. My mother watched Kate sit at the lunch table with all the girls in her class and not a single girl spoke with my daughter. Kate is not being beat up, no one is harassing her, no one is threatening her. They have simply marginalized her to the point of deep and unending isolation. This is a torture worse than death.
Due to reasons the school has, which in many cases are valid, Kate cannot sit at another table. But I have gone to the people who can make the decision for an exception and I hope that this will change. I have every reasonable expectation that Kate will not be sitting next to this girl any longer in class. Possibly ever. We have made arrangements to spend more one on one time together as mother and daughter as well as try to find some time to hang out with friends outside of school.
My daughter is a resilient individual. She always has a bright smile and a bounce to her step. I will not allow anyone to take that away from her and I will continue to teach her how to protect herself from those who seek to do so.
Bullying comes in many shapes and sizes. Not all bullying is in your face, beat you up, take your lunch money. It can be nefarious, sneaky and underhanded too. At no point in time does one person *ever* have to make someone feel bad so that another can feel good about themselves. That is not how things have to work. It has been my experience that the very act of lifting another person up also lifts me up. I learned this mostly from my daughter.
When you see someone being treated poorly, do not assume that they deserve it. It is a pretty horrible person who deserves to be mistreated, I actually cannot think of any reason when that would be appropriate. Bullying will only stop if we intercede. Bullies will continue their bad behavior. It's scary to make yourself their target to protect someone else. However, I have never once regretted standing up for someone who couldn't stand up for themselves. Can you live with knowing you didn't stand up for someone when you could have?
As a community, gamers, geeks and nerds are frequently the targets of bullying and we shy away from it and those who engage in that behavior. Avoiding conflict is a lot easier, I get that. But, it's really hard to deal with the fall out of children killing themselves or their classmates, adults killing their coworkers, the list of tragedies goes on and on. The only way to stop bad things from happening is to stop the initial stimuli that started the whole ball rolling.
There are so many things that can, should and have been said about this topic, I'm certain I will speak on it again. Remember, you have the power to stop bad things from happening and be someone else's hero. If you're having a bad day, you do not have to pass it on to the next person. Bad days happen, but you get to choose how you react. Choose to be positive and proactive. Lift someone else up today. Tell someone how much you appreciated that little thing they did for you. Say "Please" and "Thank you" and mean it. Never let an occasion to praise someone pass you by. DO THIS EVERY DAY. Sometimes that's easier than others, the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit, the easier it becomes. We can end bullying, but we have to start and today I started in earnest. Today I rushed in where others have feared to go and I will continue to do so.
Love one another.
Edited for update: For those of you who expressed concern for my daughter's well-being after yesterday's Blog post, I wanted to let you all know that she is doing very well. Her teacher and school administrators take these things very seriously and addressed our concerns immediately.
If you are having similar issues and you need some moral support, please do not hesitate to contact us here at G-R-P privately. We cannot fix the world, but we will stand with you while we try.
Remember to love one another.
---------------
There are a lot of great places to check out for anti-bullying information. For places to start, I recommend:
http://www.stopbullying.gov/index.html
http://twloha.com/
http://www.pacer.org/bullying/
http://www.nctsn.org/resources/public-awareness/bullying-prevention-awareness-month
http://www.hrc.org/issues/pages/schools?gclid=CIz0y7_35rkCFU-Z4AodMkgArw
http://www.standforthesilent.org/
And if you or someone you love is having problems with bullies at school, contact the local administration. Do not stop fighting for your loved ones.
Wow. This hit home. I've had a really rough time of it the last month or so and tonight I took it out on a fellow actor in the play I'm in. Thank you for posting this, it really helped me evaluate my recent choices, and I have since apologized, and am working on an attitude shift.
ReplyDeleteI am very much looking forward to seeing where this blog goes.
Morgan, I am so very glad that this helped! No one was ever hurt by giving an apology. Sometimes it's hard to admit we're wrong, but we truly do grow in the eyes of others when we are able to admit we are not infallible. I hope this blog is able to grow into something the is a benefit to those who read it and helps make the world a little safer place.
ReplyDelete