"That's not cheating. That's being a game master." ~Monte Cook, The Kobold Guide to Worldbuilding

For many decades, I have read books about strange and far off lands. My bookshelves runneth over with places for my imagination to visit when this world is too hard to endure, where I get to be the hero or better yet, my friends and I get to be the heroes who get to vanquish our enemies, set right the wrongs of villains, and set up a tavern decorated with our spoils of war in the belly of a (not so) dormant volcano.

Over time my gaming group settled comfortably in one setting, by request, we could no longer play some of our favorite games because of the addition of children in our life. Dark and gritty games may be fun, but they aren't something you want to have to explain to a 4 year old. Our children finally reached an age where they wanted to pull up a chair to the gaming table and as if Monte Cook knew we needed an elegant, rules light, storytelling heavy gaming system, he and Shanna Germain created "Numenera".

We instantly fell in love with The Ninth World. The Cypher System is simple to play, each character starts out as a simple sentence - "I am an (adjective) (noun) who (has a focus)." Once the player fills in their adjective, noun, and focus, the pieces of the character sheet fall easily into place and promote imaginative play through storytelling. Our children would regularly ask to play, frequently we would gather around the gaming table more than once a week to visit the far distant future world of The Ninth World. While our work lives have prevented us from gaming as often as we would like, we always know it is there, waiting for us to uncover its next astonishing secret, whether it is a new alien race or a magic flower of time control, I am forever in a place of magic and technology, a wide eyed child taking it all in.

Since 2012 Monte Cook Games has released another setting entitled The Strange, conceived by Bruce Cordell, and a full Cypher System core rule book with rules to help adjust any possible genre to the Cypher System. At the writing of this blog, there is a Kickstarter Campaign running to expand the horizons of The Ninth World. Into the Night, Into the Deep, and Into the Outside will each become a hard back supplement guide to the near space of our solar system, the ocean, and far outer space respectively. While this campaign has already successfully funded in less than 24 hours, there are more stretch goals to be achieved. A novel, artwork, further supplements, and things that only Monte and the MCG people can dream of at this time.

I am in no way compensated for this blog, but I am a member of the Monte Cook Games Asset Team. I have backed the campaign already, and this is far from the first time I have ever sung the praises of Cypher System. I have had people ask me though "What is the best way to get into role playing?" and I always answer with "Numenera", because it is easy to understand and incredibly easy to run. This is an opportunity that only comes along every so often, because now that the campaign has been funded, backing at the right level gets you so much more for your gaming dollar than waiting until afterward and buying the books separately.

Monte Cook has created many worlds and he and his team clearly have many more yet to come, this is our chance to show them that we love the many worlds they have created and help them create more. They are some of the finest game masters there are, please check out their Kickstarter here:

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/montecookgames/numenera-into-the-ninth-world

GenCon 2015

The sun in Cincinnati is no different than the same day star of Indianapolis, but it does not shine the same here, there are trees and sky, rather than concrete and glass. I slept for 14 hours and probably could sleep a few more, but Golarion waits for no adventurer.

I cannot possibly list everyone I saw and already miss, but I can say this - in 2013 we were somewhat starry eyed novices, ready to swim in the pool.Steve Helt was the 2013 Paizo RPG SuperStar and I didn't even know him beyond the forum. We had a Dream Date with Owen KC Stephens; we had Monte Cook and Shanna Germain sign our Numenera books at the Drive-Thru RPG booth; Andrew ran one of three Numenera "demo" games, which is to say Monte ran a couple of games in "The Smallest Meeting Room Known to Man" in the Marriott and we had a table in the Open Gaming Room that I recruited a handful of players who could not get into aforementioned meeting room to play in and I played a ringer to help get things started; at the Paizo booth, Paizo employees recognized Andrew and it felt weird to be known; we found Neil Spicer and he generously spoke with us, really Andrew, about how to move to the next level for game design; and we waited around/got lost in downtown Indy with the biker rally before finding a crazy bar with David Wilson Brown for the "Numenera Release Party" with what became MCG with Shannaplaying bouncer. We laughed and it was so surreal to be in that space, knowing that it was just the beginning of so many new things for so many people.

We have all come a long way in 2 years, I am happy for each of your achievements and delighted that you have come into my life or grown from being my role models to becoming my friends. Someone asked me if I was easily starstruck and I don't really think that I am, I am more struck by the realization that I was so busy looking at all the starlight shining around me that I missed something, that I was distracted by looking out, I had not looked in. I, too, am made of starlight and with the encouragement of many, I found a way to let my starlight shine. Thank you GenCon 2015 and all the amazing people who were there this year and all the time in between who helped me get to today and beyond.

"But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?" ~ Randal Graves, Clerks

Yesterday was International TableTop Day and I found myself in not one, but two shopping malls in our city to run games. Both malls are places that I frequented at various points in my life for working, socializing, and shopping. One I even remember how it looked as a field before the brick and mortar monolith spread across the area next to the highway. At our second stop, we were inside a gaming store, surrounded by board game boxes, minis to be painted, and bound gaming books. I walked with my children through the half filled space to purchase cookies and wondered at the store fronts that were unchanged from their original intent, but occupied by retail squatters - a once upon a time Disney store that now sports a dance floor and would be ballroom dancers; a dress store that houses the EMS and Fire services; and a green marble lined game and ride arcade, with jewelry display windows still intact. I felt like I was walking through a post apocalyptic mash-up of my childhood and my children's future. With the internet so accessible, we no longer need to go to a store to find that perfect pair of earrings or shoes for a big date, home decorations and trinkets can be delivered right to the home in question and placed right on the shelf needing an uplift, gone are the days of going to Sears across town because they are the last store in the area with the washer and drier on sale in stock.
I found myself sitting at a pair of folding tables, looking at tangible copies of Pathfinder books that I own and realizing that without gaming, we would have even one less reason to get together as real people, in real places, to interact with one another in real time. Gaming brings us out of our comfortable caves to gather, share laughter and stories, and be the social creatures that human beings are meant to be. I struggle with leaving my house due to my anxiety issues, the simple act of leaving my safe surroundings is the biggest hurdle, because once I'm out, I have fun and I love being somewhere new and I wonder why I don't do it more often.
I hope you played something yesterday with people that laughed and generally experienced what it means to be a gamer and a human being. Do that regularly, because we are meant to be with others, sharing experiences. Support your local gaming locations, go to places where you can hear other conversations and learn about people who aren't like you. Be part of a gathering and love it.

"What makes you so special?" "Nothing. I'm just a kid from Brooklyn." ~ Captain America: The First Avenger

I'm almost done decompressing from RPG SS! For two months I've had to be acutely aware of what I say about the contest for fear of being disqualified because I said something too publicly. Almost all of my commentary on the contest was limited to my pit crew, who are a wonderful group of men and women who have been in the same position I was in. Today I want to talk about them and how they helped me to win and who to look for in your pit crew.

On Tuesday, after I spoke with Owen, was tackled by my daughter, hugged my husband and was ignored by my son (he was building on Minecraft, he has priorities), I called my mom to tell her I won. My mom isn't a gamer, she's a practical person, but she is the person who played board games and card games with me as a child and I love her. Sheesh, who wouldn't call their mom to tell her they won a great big writing contract? She and I talked for a few minutes and as I was getting ready to hang up she asked me "So, why did you win? What made yours so special?" I didn't have an answer for her. I really don't know why I personally received the most votes in the last round. I told her it might be because my story was tighter or resonated with more people or it was a great big cosmic joke and they miscounted. I really didn't know, but I invited her to go read my stuff, since I had not done that before. 

I've spent three days trying to figure out why I won and why some of my friends were predicting I was going to win from the beginning. I think the biggest reason I won was because I wasn't trying to win, I was trying to produce the best work I had inside of me. I found things that resonated in me and I followed those through to a point where I felt like there was little room to improve on them, then I sent it out to my pit crew and really listened to what they felt needed to be improved and tried to incorporate their suggestions. It is an arrogant or naive person who feels like you can do something like this on your own the first (one hundred) time(s). Before this contest the only monster stat blocks and encounters I ever really read with a critical eye were Andrew's entries for previous RPG SS contests (and the other individuals who's pit crews I was on, I really did read your stuff guys). I have never GM'd a Pathfinder game before. I have served in a Storyteller capacity for White Wolf LARP games, but mechanically there is no overlap. 

Knowing that you know nothing makes things challenging in good and bad ways. My pit crew never said "Do it this way" because that doesn't help me learn, it gives me the "answer." My crew would say things like "I don't like the way that flows", "This doesn't make sense, do you even English?", and "Is that all you got? Not exciting enough." And then I would go back and look at the parts that didn't resonate as strongly with them as it did with me and tried to find a way to push the envelop to hook them into my vision. I also did not share my work early on with them and not with all of them at the same time. I had my core first look, who saw my work with all it's warts and bumps, then my final "first reaction" crew, who got to see my final draft to see if I hit all the high notes. If my beta pit crew liked it or at least didn't hate it, I turned that bad boy in so I would stop tinkering with it. I had to accept that not everyone was going to love what I did, only I had to love it and if others agreed, then all the better.

Without people who's opinions and experience I trusted, I would not have received the most votes. Sometimes the smallest, offhanded comments made the biggest difference in how I adjusted my designing lens. In an early draft of "Down the Blighted Path" I had an encounter with duergar slavers that one of my pit crew felt was clunky. I cut it out completely in later edits because I needed the words elsewhere, but I chose to cut that section because it disrupted the flow of the pitch. That encounter will be in the final product, at least in my mind, because it's the right place for it to happen and I need 15-20 encounters, but it had no place in the pitch. The encounter was a "random" enough encounter and it didn't progress the story of the pitch. 

Another piece of advice that I followed early on and then tossed to the side was the inclusion of the second orphne in the pitch. The original drafts felt weirdly choppy. I had things I wanted to have happen but I didn't want to endanger the boss until the end, because players do crazy things when given the opportunity. It was suggested that I had a lot of undead already and bringing in an undead making machine would be overkill and initially that was correct. As the pitch progressed though I felt like there was less and less tying things together. Several comments, feedback and the key advice from my friend about not being afraid to succeed sparked the light bulb and I added in the second fey. I felt at that point I had made the pitch that would win, that the story from beginning to end had a flow, a direct path even if the PCs didn't follow it precisely. The advice was good, but eventually it became unnecessary in light of other developments.

Many people better than me have said this before, but it bears repeating - Surround yourself with people who are already doing what you want to do. Preferably they will already be successful at it as well, but beggars can't be choosers when you start out. I was very lucky to be able to assume Andrew's pit crew, whom I served as pit crew for, with a couple of additions of my own when I started this venture. Almost all of my pit crew have a Superstar tag. They were all people that I felt comfortable taking criticism from and could argue intelligently with. That's not to say that every pit crew must be previous competitors. Every pit crew should have a rules mechanic and a grammar editor though. They function as your developer and your editor, which you will have once you get to publishing. You should also have a few people who like different things than you do, especially someone who doesn't like a lot of the same things you do, because this person is going to challenge you more than anyone else. If your pit crew is full of "yes" people, you aren't going to succeed. Not only did I have to satisfy my own sense of accomplishment, I never wanted to turn over something that someone I trusted lacked faith in. The creative process is about satisfying yourself, but you'll never it in any field if you are the only one who likes your work.

I feel like I should share something else about how I worked on DtBP here, while it is in no way based on "The Wizard of Oz" I looked at it as though it were a Pathfinder version of TWoO. I needed to put my adventure pitch into context of a story line that I was acutely familiar with and could follow in parallel to keep to vision. I needed a model "encounter" to help keep me on target. While the final adventure may not be "Down the Blighted Path" the name is my little homage to the Yellow Brick Road that helped me bring this adventure pitch home. I include this because everyone creates differently. I also had a soundtrack for my work, music puts me in a place to access my creativity and if you like music, you really should consider this. Don't just use your favorite songs, find music that fits your theme, to put you in the right place.

And lastly, do not forget to read. Read all about where you're creating, read about things that happened there or in places like there. I came across throw away comments about mobats, doombats, and stirge hounds as flying mounts in The Endless Gulf and I knew that if I didn't put that in my pitch there was no point in even trying. I am looking forward to realizing that scene, among others, because it will be so awesome. In fact, it is so awesome I'm astonished I came up with it. I'm a little jealous, I kind of want to play this adventure too.

As Shel Silverstein once said "If there is a book you want to read but isn't written yet,write it." So, there isn't a book yet about Lady Delbera's ghost and Zohir Totek the orphne necromancer, but there will be one day because I'm going to write it. I'm not going to write it because I'm special, I'm just a kid from Cincinnati. I'm going to write it because a lot of people think it should exist. Maybe we're all special and we just need to find that special spark.I still  don't know why I won, but I know that if I can do it anyone can if they dig deep, work hard and put aside all the things that stand in their way, even if one of those things is self-doubt. 

"Today I'm Gonna Try and Change the World" ~ Johnny Reid

Just about 18 hours ago I found out that I am Paizo's 2015 Superstar. It's been a crazy 18 hours of phone calls, emails, my social network pages blowing up, and internal dialogue that oscillates between self-doubt and pride. Over the last two months, I cannot believe it has only been since January 20th that I've been on this ride, I lived and breathed Pathfinder and game design. Never in my life have I learned so much in such a short amount of time, and I have a degree and nursing diploma. I am still in shock. I am wondering how the heck did I even get to this place? I'm going to write about it and maybe we'll find out together.

For my entire life I have been a woman and I readily identify as such, but when I was younger I often wished that I had been a man because my interests were more in keeping with traditionally male things - math, science, fantasy and sci-fi literature, comic books, gaming. I eventually accepted that I liked being a woman and I liked things that people don't associate with women, so I needed to help people understand that very few things are intrinsically "male" and "female". It didn't hurt that I have a daughter and a son and I want them to grow up in a world where they can be whomever they like and love whomever they wish without having to worry about being judged for being themselves. This desire came to a head last year during Paizo's 2014 RPG Superstar contest, when a thread discussion about the number of women in game design was low, that there wasn't a lot of female contestants, and in general, how were we going to get more women into the hobby? The answer was easy, we needed more women to care enough to enter and see other women already in positions where they wanted to see themselves. We needed role models that other women could identify with and feel like they were welcome in the same places. Sounds easy on paper, but getting from here to there is not so easy.

Around that time, I lost my office job and quickly found another one that let me work from home. So, I committed myself to equality activism since I was online and home all the time. I focused mainly on gender and sexual orientation issues, although I feel strongly about all forms of inequity, so if I use gender terms, rest assured I also mean racial, religious and all other personal markers that make us uniquely us. I don't work for women to be treated better than men or men to be treated worse, I work for all people to be treated as well as all other people. I found a great song by Johnny Reid "Today I'm Gonna Try and Change the World" and other like minded people who embraced equality for all individuals. There are a lot of us in the gaming community who feel that way, although there are those who do not, I believe we outnumber them and one day we'll win this equality war of attrition. 

I found that there are quite a large number of women in the gaming community. A stunning amount of them, but they aren't in the places that tend to get their names on the cover of books. I continued to ponder though, how would we get more women in visible gaming positions? Obviously the fastest way is to find someone who publishes and write for them. I knew publishers who were already asking me to write stuff for them. Which was great, if I wanted to do game design, which I didn't. I kept working on raising awareness, raising up my sister game designers, supporting my male game designer friends, because they need some love too and just hanging out making contacts and playing game design yenta (It's really a thing I do, if you have a special skill, I know someone who needs you, hit me up privately.)

December rolled around and I was excited, RPG Superstar is when I go back to the Paizo boards and hang with my hopeful friends and see some awesome competitors write some stuff! Then Owen Stephens announced there would be a switch up this year, instead of wondrous items, it would be arms, armor, rings, rods and staffs. Wait, what? I never entered because I didn't want to win and I never came up with a wondrous item idea. But a magic weapon? I could write one of those, there's this weapon that clerics really need and suddenly I was at the gaming table, surrounded by books and my husband, because I had no clue what I was doing. I know most of the cleric spells to level 6, some of the sorcerer/wizard spells (because they overlap with cleric spells) and that there was such a thing as magic weapons. I never even read the entire Core Rule Book before, much less any other gaming book from cover to cover since Laws of the Night Revised (yup, you heard me right, 1999 and even then I skimmed the thaum stuff). 

I made my very first real magic weapon, Spectre Blight, on December 14th, 2014. I shared it around with the people that I usually helped with their entries and got some great feedback. There were jokes - Oh, what if you and Andrew are both in it? Will he be mad when you win? - and my personal favorite to poo-poo "You're going to get in with this and win." I never dreamed that I really would get in, but if I did, that would be great, because I really wanted this weapon in a book so I could use it as a cleric, because clerics never get awesome stuff. I entered and Andrew did not, I said the magic words "Wouldn't it be fun if we actually were in it together?" so he entered too although that was not his original intention.

Fast forward through fun and laughing during the voting process to January 20th. Andrew was at work and I was alone in looking for our names on the Top 32 announcement and there I was on the list. I was certain I must have missed his name on the list. Not a single member of my pit crew was on the list. How was that even possible? It took me a whole day to get over that, it would have taken longer except that I suddenly had less than 4 days to draw a map of a place that did not yet exist and I didn't know much about drawing a map or Golarion for that matter. I am a visual person though, so maps are a love of mine, I love looking at architectural blueprints, that's why my building map was awesome and my hanging gardens map was not so much.

That's how the whole two months of the contest went, my name would appear on the Top whatever list, I was certain it was a mistake and then I had to jump into action because holy cow, I had a lot to learn. Each voting period I studied ahead to learn what a monster stat block looked like, what goes into an encounter, and how to write an adventure pitch. I was lucky (as far as that goes) that I was unemployed throughout the first 6 or so weeks of the contest. I had to look for a job, but I didn't have to go to a job. Learning game design became my job. I spent alone time reading books, adventure modules, wiki entries, Paizo forums, previous contest entries and most closely the judges comments. If you ever find yourself in this position, read what the judges said, there great big nuggets of solid gold game designing wisdom in there. 

I did lament how dumb it was to enter the contest not knowing any of this stuff first, but then my children found out I was in the contest and things changed in my mind. They knew Andrew had done this before and we used his work to teach them about the writing process. Kate became very excited that I was involved. She would check in to see where I was in the contest. When I hit the Top 8, Andrew shared my profile and entries with her. She was sold. She became my biggest cheerleader and in my mind, reason to win. I couldn't believe it, I was becoming that public female role model for at least one future female! She was my daughter, but wasn't that who I was doing this for in the first place? I still wasn't sure I wanted to win, but I knew I had to win, because I had to prove to her and myself that nothing was worth doing if you weren't going to do it to your very best ability. 

There were other reasons I wanted to win - I fell in love with the things I was creating, I needed them to continue beyond the contest and the only way that was going to happen was if I won, that meant I had to be the best. I felt like I had something to prove, that women could be game designers. And I wanted to be able to say to Owen Stephens "Boom, I did this! And while I know that's exactly what you wanted in the first place, I won't hold it against you that you tricked me into proving it to myself." (And now I've just said it. Thank you Owen.) 

At no time did anyone tell me I could not do this because I was a woman. If they did, they didn't say it anywhere I was ever aware of it. But more importantly, no one seemed to be holding my hand, throwing me soft ball reviews, or voting for me just because I was a woman. I felt like I was being viewed with the same critical eye that all of my fellow Top 32 were being viewed through. If I screwed up, someone called me on it. If I did well, it was recognized. I was an equal among my peers. I have never truly felt like that before. My reproductive organs had nothing to do with whether I could design headless monsters, so why should it be considered in any way by the judges? It was incredibly liberating to be allowed to be myself.

I'm going to wax spiritually here a second, but don't stop reading. There is a saying 'be careful what you wish for, you may get it.' I put a desire out into the universe for there to be women in my community for other women to look up to and strive to be like. Women that I wanted to look up to and strive to be like. But the universe, whether God or karma or whatever is really out there, took my desire and chose me to be the instrument of it's realization in this small way. I don't think that I am going to change the world overnight or completely, but I am going to use this amazing set of circumstances to change the world one day at a time. I realized that the only way to get women into public places was to be a woman in a public place doing things worthy of looking up to. 

Last night, at 4:50pm I got a phone call from Owen's wife, LJ, who is my personal friend and being the incredibly naive person I am, I simply thought she was going to hold my hand like a good friend and watch the ball drop. But they tricked me! (Be careful of those Stephenses, they are tricksy folks!) Owen told me personally on the phone that I won at 5pm. While he was telling me that I won, my husband told my children that I won. So there was I was, on the phone with one of my life mentors* while my daughter hugged me tightly telling me how proud of me she was, surrounded by the people who I loved the most, realizing that I had fully achieved a life's dream that I wasn't even aware of having until that crystal moment in time. 

There's so much more to be said about this and I'm sure I will say it in time. Today though I want to tell everyone that you can change the world. Open yourself up to the possibility and take hold of it when it appears. Ride the wave until it hits the shore, stand up, throw your arms in the air and scream with triumph. Because you can change the world one day at a time.


*Owen and I have been friends for several years and being in the contest was one of the hardest things I've ever done, because I was unable to tap into one of the most influential people in my life for feedback. I want to be clear that at no time did he or any of my other publisher or published friends who were judges or among the voting population ever consult on any of my entries. Paizo was made aware of our friendship prior to the contest. 

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was originally going to post this on a Paizo RPG Superstar thread, but it got longer and more personal than I felt belonged there. Plus, I know not everyone wants to read about my quirkiness.

A quick history of RPG SS for those who do not follow it - Paizo has a once a year contest to help them find previously undiscovered game design talent. Some incredibly talented men and women have entered over the years and gone on to become household names in the gaming community. There are usually 5 rounds of game design "tests" to see how each contestant does with a Survivor-esque voting that reduces the initial Top 32 contestants to 16, 8, 4 and then a single winner, who is offered the opportunity to write a game adventure. The other Top 4 are also offered smaller writing opportunities and often many of the competitors names appear in third party publications. Entries are judged by industry experts and voted on by Paizo community participants (customers). It's like getting a crash Master's course in game design. Now, on with the blog.



"I cannot stress how much this contest helps folks design confidence, and seems to give them the designer's writing bug, which IMO is a great thing!  Owen's and the Paizo teams hard work has allot to do with that, so, keep it up folks!" - GM_Beernorg, Paizo forum

If you are at all competitive it becomes very easy to rise to the bait of writing with everything you've got once you see your name in the Top 32 list. I never had aspirations to be a game designer and over the years I stated I would never enter RPG Superstar. Then they changed Round 1 and the rest is RPG SS history. Not only did this year's contest show the gaming community what I was capable of, it showed me what I was capable of. The last three months have been transformative for me, to look at myself not as "just a player" but as someone who has something to contribute to the community and that everyone has something to contribute (I already knew the second part). 

Self-confidence is something that I only look like I have in abundance. Self-doubt and constantly worrying about not being good enough, smart enough, clever enough, strong enough or enough of anything has plagued me my entire life. I'm sure it plagues most people and our own insecurities are what keep us from telling others that we are in a constant state of fear of failure. It is this realization that drives me to write this blog, so that others won't feel like they are alone.

I cannot overstate how grueling it is to be a competitor in RPGSS. No matter how much you've done as a designer, you will eventually hit a point where you're doing something new and you're "behind" on the curve. You have to choose quickly and wisely which parts you have to focus on and which parts you're willing to hear the judges and voters shred. I always felt vindicated when the criticisms were about the exact things that I felt that they should be. It was hard to not perseverate on the little things, mostly because I am mildly obsessive (or a lot, I try to be honest in my blog.) It was easier in the early rounds to keep myself busy during the voting periods, because I had to learn about making monsters, what the parts of an encounter were, what Nar-Voth was, etc. This last voting period has been utterly nerve-wracking, wondering if people would like what I had to offer. So, I would go back and re-read the feedback I'd gotten on previous rounds and on social media.

The feedback is incredible. If you do follow RPG SS I have a request for you for next year - leave feedback on everything you read. Even if it is just "I really liked what you did here" or "The person above said better what I was going to say, but I wanted you to know I felt that way too." Positive feedback is just as important as critical feedback. Not only do I need to know what you thought I should change, I need to know what you thought I did right the first time out. It also let's me know that you read it and that it spoke to you. RPGSS isn't set up to reaffirm me as a human being, but it doesn't hurt to do that for someone who is in a stressful situation. That doesn't just apply to RPG SS either!

I heard from people I hadn't talked to in years or even ever. I discovered the mostly silent portion of the community that I touched with my ideas. It was invigorating and deeply reaffirming to know that I resonated on the same level with so many people. Individuals reached out to me publicly and privately to tell me wonderful things about myself that I didn't even realize that they could see about me. Several people said things that made me cry. The encouragement I received was devastatingly uplifting and humbling.

I learned how to listen to my inner voice, the voices of my alpha readers and how to take feedback to incorporate what made sense and what didn't. It was easy to accept that I didn't know it all, because whoa did I not know anything going into this and maybe that helped me more than anything else. Any advice was good advice. I did get some great advice.

I had two very crucial conversations prior to turning in my final entry. The first was between me and one of my most trusted pit crew members (my alpha team). He told me that he felt my decision to revisit my previous work was a mistake because of a prior situation that did not go well for a former competitor. I listened to his concerns and he was so right to tell me what he did. I needed to know that the odds were stacked against me and that by choosing the path I did that there could be harsh backlash But it was the only idea I had, it was the story that resonated in me and I couldn't shake it. He told me not to hang on to things if they didn't work and "Just dig down until you find the core idea of WHY you like them so much."

On the last day I planned to write, one of my oldest friends called me and he gave me the last piece of advice that I really needed to hear - "Do not be afraid to succeed." He was so right. I was the one thing that was holding me back. It was liberating. It drove me to change several things at the last minute which I feel moved me personally from feeling "This is kind of cool" to "OMG, I cannot believe I wrote that, but it's freaking amazing!" 

Today is the day that Paizo reveals the winner of the 2015 RPG Superstar contest and I have 6.5 hours before I find out if that person is me or not (not that I'm counting the time or anything), but I now know that whether or not I am named Superstar 2015 I have a lot of things in my mind and heart that I can use to create imaginative stories that other people would like to experience. I would have never known this without a contest I didn't even really want to enter. So, if you ever get a chance to try something that you're not sure you'd like but you think you might, try it, you might discover something incredible about yourself that you didn't know before and it could change your world. Find your core. Don't be afraid to succeed. Don't be afraid to be amazing.

"War is what happens when language fails." ~ Margaret Atwood

After a heated conversation the other day, I felt like I needed to say something about my philosophy on my personal fight for equality.

I think people tend to forget, I am acutely aware of how awful the world is - every day men, women and children: suffer and die for want of potable water and food; suffer and die at the hands of dictators, guerrilla leaders and even legitimate government officials who have no concern for human life (yeah, we saw what you did Mexico); suffer and die because they are enslaved and mistreated by those who have shackled them; suffer and die at the hands of people who fear and hate them because they are different in some meaningless way; and suffer and die for countless other reasons that I cannot allow my heart to seek out for fear of breaking.

I work toward gender, race and sexual equality because we need to treat everyone like we want to be treated. We cannot expect respect if we do not give respect and there will be no equality if we expect extra compensation for past transgressions, that's not equality, that's revenge. It is human to seek revenge, to hurt the person or the person who is perceived responsible for hurting you as much as they hurt you. I know that my opinion on equality isn't generally accepted due to the fresh and constant pain that we are still experiencing due to inequity, I understand that, but it doesn't change how I feel or view the long term goals of my actions.

For me, equality isn't going to be fixed/solved/achieved in my lifetime, this is a war of attrition. We first must reach out to the people who are policy makers now and work with them for their understanding of how they can support policies that mitigate the pain that our collective history has filtered down to us through bad decisions and egos. Each and every person has suffered at some point and on some level from the "patriarchy" we currently have in place, if you don't believe me, ask yourself why we not only don't have national policies regarding maternity leave but why there is even less of a conversation going on about paternity leave, the "patriarchy" hurts everyone equally, it's the only equality to be found. We need to establish a dialogue, which by its very nature, is everyone involved talking with one another to correct misunderstandings and find a mutually acceptable plan. It is not the injured party making demands and expecting complete acquiescence to the demands made by those in power, that goes back to "equality is not revenge" I mentioned earlier.

We must also work with our peers and our children, teaching them and modeling for them what is acceptable behavior. When our public officials, media and other community leaders can easily be seen bullying and disrespecting others based on superficial items, such as gender, race, sexuality or disability, rather than the issues at hand - see all of the political campaign ads for the last 12 years - we are showing our peers and children that it is okay to behave outrageously. I have never really said that reality daytime television shows are awful, though I do believe that for the following reasons: They give the impression, to those who are not aware, that this is how our society functions - wondering who is the father of our child, fisticuffs to settle arguments and Jerry only knows what else. If you know that it is made up and scripted, it might be your brand of entertainment, but what about all those individuals who are impressionable, but not sophisticated enough to understand? There are still a lot of people who think that professional wrestling is athletic wrestling (it's not!) and that every in ring adversarial match is echoed off mat (although I do have a soft spot for pro-wrestling, so no hate mail). When grown ups behave badly and are not reprimanded or stopped, those behaviors are mirrored by an impressionable audience. Words hurt as much as sticks and stones, no matter how the saying goes.

Being good role models, walking the walk and talking the talk are going to be how we win our war of attrition for equality. I can change no one but myself, but by showing those around me that it is possible to think and act in a way contrary to hate and fear, to show others that is it possible to live a life in which people are treated equally and with respect and expecting equality and respect, it gives those who might not know how or not even know of another way the tools they need to put into their own life's toolbox for survival and success. It is never just that easy, nothing worth having ever is easy to get.

Life is full of choices to make and reactions to have - do we choose to react out of fear, anger and hatred or do we choose kindness, love and understanding? Every person must make that decision for themselves every time, all day long. It gets easier to pick love over hate, it takes practice. Our world is better now than it was 100 years ago and it will continue to improve. I wish it was faster, however I am a practical person when it comes to humanity's ability to change and evolve.

Someone in my circle of friends recently said that nothing ever changes without violence. I say that is rubbish. Nothing ever changes without change and actions, violence is an action, just like love. I know how awful the world is, I simply choose to follow the lead of others who have gone before me on the path of peaceful resistance, it's a wide path, there's room for more.

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forewards.” - Kierkegaard

Note: this entry is my way of putting into words the pain I feel regarding the recent deaths and acts of violence. I do not claim to have any answers, I just needed to say some things and I hope in saying them I will reach that one person who can change the outcome of some event for the better. ~M


 
On May 18, 2014 21 year old college student Brogan Dulle went missing in the university neighborhood of Clifton in Cincinnati, Ohio. A city wide search begins for the well liked young man.

On May 23, 2014 22 year old Elliot Rodger stabbed and shot 22 people near the University of Santa Barbara. 7 people died, including Rodger by self-inflicted wounds.

On May 26, 2014 the remains of Brogan Dulle were discovered in the building next to his apartment building. His death is ruled a suicide.

On May 30, 2014 two 12 year old girls attempted to stab a girl they called friend to death after a slumber party. The victim survived by sheer luck and is in critical but stable condition at the time of this writing.

In a matter of 12 days our world has been rocked by the decisions of 4 people, who acted with their own agency to do harm to living breathing people, including themselves. For reasons both known and unknown, they followed their hearts and minds to a dark place and perpetrated violence of the most hateful kind.

Let's start with Elliot Rodger, his story is the best documented and extends back in time years. His family recognized he was a troubled young man over a decade ago. He struggled with his parents' divorce when he was 8 years old. Who wouldn't struggle with that? Children often internalize and blame themselves for the difficulties their family faces, despite that frequently not being the case. He received counselling with a therapist and was prescribed medications, which he eventually stopped taking. Elliot was bullied throughout school, including being taped to his desk when he fell asleep. He felt alone and isolated, those around him indicated he pushed them away. Rodger left behind numerous disturbing videos and 107,000 page manifesto, which he sent to his parents, therapist, friends and former teachers. Things started to come to a head in 2012 with more concern being expressed by his family and Rodgers began purchasing firearms, which at the time there were no legal reasons he would have been denied access. 

April 30, 2014 the police were contacted in regards to the videos and emails by Elliot's parents. The police determined that Rodger did not meet the criteria for an involuntary hold.

On April 30, 2014 the police determined that despite overwhelming evidence of a troubled mind and clear plan to kill people that Elliot Rodger did not meet the criteria for an involuntary hold. Evidence that they did not review because it was not in the protocols that they follow for such events.

Brogen Dulle was a well-liked young man from an affluent neighborhood in Cincinnati, Ohio. He grew up in the neighborhood I grew up in, went to the schools I went to and lived close to where I live now. He was a swim coach at a local swim club, he was a student at the University of Cincinnati. The night of his death he was out with friends having pizza. He left his friends to go look for his cell phone and was never seen again. There was no indications that he was upset, troubled, mentally ill, or anything else that would illuminate why someone who seemed to have everything going in his favor would be found, hanging in the basement of a building. It is hard to accept that this young man took his own life, but there is little evidence to indicate otherwise. There was no suicide note, but at some point he had the foresight to procure a crowbar and a length of rope as well as a bottle of wine.

This is an unfolding situation as I write this, 12 year olds Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser premeditated the attack and attempted homicide of their classmate, her name has been withheld, in order to prove the existence of a made up internet boogey man known as Slender Man. The victim was stabbed 19 times and left in a wooded area, she was able to crawl to a place where a passing bicyclist was able to find her and get her the subsequent assistance that will hopefully save her life. She is still in critical condition and fighting for her life. There is a level of premeditation in this attack that is astonishing to me. As someone who has planned things around a gaming table many times, these girls really had their ducks in a row. It is not an exaggeration to say that it is by sheer luck and perhaps a miracle that no major blood vessels or organs were damaged and the third girl remains alive at this time. Very little information has surfaced yet on the mental stability of these two girls, but they both express a conflict in themselves – "At one point, when talking with police, Geyser said she was sorry. She said she had put the knife back into her bag and wiped it off on her jacket. She then told a detective, 'It was weird that I didn't feel remorse.'"(1) And "When police asked Weier if she knew what it meant to kill someone, Weier said, 'I believe it's ending a life and I regret it.' Weier also said, 'The bad part of me wanted her to die, the good part of me wanted her to live.'"(1). Weier and Geyser tried to take the life of another girl who called them "friends", who trusted them and probably cared for them. They betrayed her so they could join a fictitious cult they found on an entertainment site on the internet. 

Where were the grown-ups in these girls' lives? Perhaps they were aware, perhaps not, I'm sure the story will continue to be told in the coming days. While it remains unclear how and when Weier and Geyser made their plans, it is clear that they had time and foresight to do so. Surely someone somewhere heard something and missed the meaning behind it.

On the surface these three cases seem to have very little in common, but when we look at the individuals involved we see four young people, ages 12 to 22. All of whom attempted or did take the life of someone. In the wake of the Isla Vista killings, University of California's President Janet Napolitano said "This is almost the kind of event that's impossible to prevent and almost impossible to predict." I say that Janet Napolitano is categorically incorrect in her statement. As the former Secretary of Homeland Security I would have hoped by now that she would know what the signs of impending violence are when presented with them.

When we see videos, forum dialogue and hear conversations that raise red flags in our minds as the audience, it is imperative that we take action. That we, as the audience speak up and continue to speak until our voices are heard. The lawmakers of California are outraged that the deputies involved in the Elliot Rodger investigation did not check the gun owners' registration that Rodger's name appeared on, had this been part of their protocol, they would have known, but it wasn't and so they didn't know and they choose to leave him at large. We do not need more laws to regulate weapons, we need our law enforcement personnel to have the support they need to use the tools that are already at their disposal. We need friends and family to not give up, to keep speaking out and to keep reaching out to those among us who are troubled. We most especially need to be paying attention to our loved ones, talking with them, listening to them and watching for warning signs. 

Today 8 people are dead and 14 people are seriously injured because we as a society missed the signs or failed to act accordingly to prevent the preventable. Each of these individuals have friends and families who are struggling to figure out what they could have done differently and come to terms with something that is not understandable. Not every tragedy is avoidable and I do not have all the answers, I wish I did, but I do know that if I didn't share these thoughts with you, I would be remiss in my responsibility as a member of the human race to reach out and try to help the other members of the human race have lives that were happy, healthy and safe.

 

1. Milwaukee, Wisconsin Journal Sentinel; June 2, 2014. http://www.jsonline.com/news/crime/waukesha-police-2-12-year-old-girls-plotted-for-months-to-kill-friend-b99282655z1-261534171.html

"I have not been sent to curse people, but as a mercy to all mankind.” – Prophet Muhammad

The title quote is attributed to the Prophet Muhammad under the circumstance of being asked by the Muslims to curse the infidels (as reported in Sahih Muslim).

Muslims, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Sikh, Hindu and every other religion, including those who do not profess faith in a higher power, on the face of this planet have been maligned at some time or other and each has been persecuted at one time or another. Most religions espouse loving kindness to others, they challenge the individual for personal growth and a growing proximity to perfection, the deity or ones ancestors. The faithful of these religions range from gentle peaceful devotees who try to walk in the enlightened footsteps of their revered teachers and saints to the self serving fanatical leaders who use their charismatic words to convince their followers that kidnapping, murder and acts of terrorism are sanctioned by their deity of choice.

It is these fanatics who darken the light of their truths, who give their brothers and sisters in faith unfair representation, these individuals become the face of their religions and give nonbelievers a reason to fear and hate. Hatred is a rare tenet of a belief systems. Religion becomes the anchor from which leaders like Adolf Hitler, Jim Jones, David Koresh, and Osama bin Laden float their message of hatred and personal gain. History is full of examples of "divine inspiration" veiling religious and political despotism. The news is currently filled with stories of Boko Haram, self proclaimed Muslim and kidnapper of nearly 300 girls in Nigeria. This is just the latest act of terrorism in a long line of acts of hatred from Haram.

We cannot allow the use of the word "Islam" by this morally destitute creature to color our opinions of those who also follow the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad, just as we would hope others not of our own faith would judge us by those who claim the same divinity as ourselves. What we should be doing is seeking ways to help those who are able to affect change in the regions subjected to the horrors of men like Haram.

I have lost sleep over the tragedy of these young women. My heart goes out to them and their mothers, fathers and families. I have a heavy sense of dread knowing that we live in a world where at any time men feel that they can and should go into places of learning, worship or communities in general and take that which does not belong to them simply because they can. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, simply because you can does not mean that you should.

For those of you who doubt the reality of misogyny in our world, I direct you to the actions of people like Boko Haram, who believe that their place is above women, who views women and children as things to be stolen, used and sold. His actions damage the lives of others irrevocably, the scars will remain always. Although I am hopeful for the girls and their families that they will all be returned and able to heal, it is wishful thinking to believe that this is something they will ever forget. The longer they remain captive, the less likely it is that they will all be recovered. He has forced them into conversion to Islam. These are not the tenets of Islam nor the teachings of the Prophet. Nor are these beliefs shared by Christians, Jews, Buddhists nor any other religion known to me.

I have no answers on how to fix this nor can I make Haram give the girls back their freedom but I do know we cannot judge others by the actions of few. We must judge individuals for their own personal actions. We can stop these acts of terrorism through vigilance and self-empowerment. Learning to recognize when the message of hatred is threaded through the tapestry of belief and speaking out against it is our best weapon. Bringing those who violate others to justice is the tool we should use. Speaking to one another with words of kindness and show mercy and understanding. These methods will not change the world overnight, but they are the only way to move forward from our less civilized ways of life.

This way is not just limited to terrorists abroad or on a global scale. Such fear and hatred is present in our lives every day. People is positions of political and social leadership throughout the world who say and act on their feelings of fear.

We are mere mortals, humans with the life span of a scant handful of decades. We cannot hope to understand everything we encounter, but we can put aside our fear of the unknown and embrace those who are part of our journey as brothers and sisters in life. I do not live under the delusion we will like every person we encounter, nor will we be universally loved, but we make our own decisions and we are the rulers of our own hearts and minds. Some find it easier to follow this pursuit through the teachings of a spiritual or religious leader, some find that they are able to make their way through their own well tuned moral compass.

Do not seek to curse those around you, look to the wisdom of those who walk lightly on this earth and leave love and kindness in their wake. Reach out to those who are suffering and beaten down. Reject those who would have you hurt others to better themselves. Work within the political and social structures available to you to affect change. The opposite of Love is not hate, but fear, reject fear and live your life to it's fullest.

Enjoy maximized empowerment my friends.

"May the odds be ever in your favor!"

I wanted to take a moment to address something I had hinted at earlier in the Paizo RPGSS Season. It was my intention this year to do "Exit Interviews" for Top 32 contestants who were eliminated after each round. These men and women put a lot of work and effort into their entries and during the contest is not a time to be distracting them, but after each round drops their numbers, I had hoped to highlight them as they exited the stage for this season.

However, Andrew, my husband, is now in the Top 16 and I feel it is inappropriate for me to engage in that venture due to any perceived conflict of interest or potentially disqualifying him by accident.

Perhaps next year this vision of showcasing RPGSStars will be a joint effort that Andrew and I will both bring to the gaming community, should we find our time and effort less divided between contest and the rest of regular life. For this year though I will put aside my plans so I can be available to the Top 16 contestants that I am supporting behind the scenes and say to all of the participants "Good Luck and Good Job, may the best SuperStar win!"

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. ~ Inigo Montoya

Earlier this week a meme went around with a quote from Dorothy Parker "Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common." This quote produced some discussion and a lot of thought on my part. The quote by Ms. Parker makes this distinction quickly with the sharp contrast of two words that anyone might use interchangeably without considering the deeper implications. What is "normal" and "common"? Why should or should we not use them interchangeably? Please indulge me sharing a few definitions with you, my dear readers.

Normal: usual or ordinary; not strange. Conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern.

Common: occurring or appearing frequently; not rare. Of or relating to a community at large.

On the surface these two words seem synonymous, however I challenge that they hold subtle differences that when used in society to describe specific individuals these words can cause a sense of isolation and exclusion. Normal imparts a qualitative distinction, where Common imparts a quantitative designation. When something is "normal" it is regular and in keeping with expectations. When something is "common" it is frequently encountered.

The differentiating factor becomes more clear when we make the words antonyms. Normal to Abnormal and Common to Uncommon. Abnormal is consistently used to qualify situations or organisms with negative traits, e.g. abnormal growth, abnormal results, or abnormal behavior. Uncommon enumerates a rarely occurring circumstance or sought after quantity, e.g. uncommon valor, uncommon skills, or Uncommonly Good.

As we use our vast language, we must be mindful of the nuances that we unintentionally place in our conversations. I regularly lack the precise word I wish to use and must make do with the first word that comes to mind, whether it is the one I wanted or not. While communicating, it is convenient to use the first word on the tip of our tongues and brains, and certainly not always with the intention to injure another. Yet, when one considers the message that is being subtly sent each and every time the word "normal" is used in conjunction with something that is in fact "common" we are telling others that not being a part of the majority makes them an unwanted quality, such as cancer.

Women and men are both common and normal. Heterosexuality is common and normal. Homosexuality is less common and normal.

Love one another and experience #maximizedempowerment every day!

New Year's 2014

All of my best decisions came about as New Year's Resolutions, in some weird fashion.

In the fall of 1999, Andrew asked me to marry him. We wanted a June wedding and felt that we just wouldn't have time to get things together and set our date for 2001. However, once the holidays were over, we opted to change our plans and on January 1st 2000, we made the decision o do whatever we needed to to get married that year and so we were married on June 10th, 2000. One of the hottest days on record, 90 degrees before noon.

On September 11, 2001 the world became a horrible place for our nation. Just prior to that day, as a couple we had decided we needed to change our fortune in order to start a family. I turned in my application to attend nursing school, we had a plan. The months following the attack though put the world in sharper relief for us. On January 1st, 2002 we decided that we did not want to wait until after nursing school to start a family. No one would use terror to keep us from finding love and bringing more love into the world. It was clear to us that if the world needed something, it was more love. Our first child, Kate, was born January 3, 2003. 

I finished nursing school and started my new job as a nurse. I knew if Kate was going to have any siblings, we needed to address that soon. On January 1, 2006, in keeping with our incredibly good track record we came together as a family and once again called upon the Spirit of the New Year to bring us a blessing, we resolved to add more love to our lives. After a very difficult pregnancy, Thomas joined our family and shared a birthday with Andrew on Spetember 29, 2006. 

Many years have passed and I have not much thought about New Year's Resolutions. I don't seek to lose weight or stop cussing or give up smoking. Long ago I came to the place where I love myself to the best of my ability and accept my faults with as much grace as I can muster. However, this year is different. The past few years have been very difficult and I have battled Depression and Anxiety. I have spent many hours talking with my therapist, accepted my body's inability to function properly and been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for two years longer than I wanted to be. When I last tried to go off my medications, I weaned myself but the side effects were terrible. I have never once considered ending my own life until I was 40 years old and going through withdrawal. I had not choice, I resumed my meds at higher doses for my own sanity.

Now I stand at a place where I have a beautiful family, a job I enjoy and this coming year holds something that the last few years have not - a clear sense of great opportunity waiting to be taken, held and called my own. I want this and I want it on my terms. I have been weaning myself again, much slower this time and there have been no side effects. I am ready to take the next step, to reduce my meds below any amount I have ever been at before. I had decided to wait until after the holidays and then realized the perfect moment was about to present itself.

This year I will be making my first real New Year's Resolution in 8 years. This year I resolve to become fully myself again and to go forward into the new year as the best person I can be. Each Resolution in the past brought with it the birth of a new creation, a married couple and two children. This year it will be my re-birth if you will. While I know it sounds overly dramatic (and if you know me, I know drama), it is something that I owe myself and my family. I need to break free from what has kept me down and I need to be fully in this world. There's a lot of work to be done and I need to get to it.

Happy New Year's everyone.

RPG SuperStar

GAMERS ARE COMING!

Are you ready?

Paizo RPG SuperStar

Spoilers, Sweetie, spoilers

Unless you are living under a rock, you know today is Doctor Who's 50th Anniversary Day.

While the real world has laid me low, few things make me happier than Doctor Who. This isn't a true blog entry, but an invitation to you Who Fans for a safe place to discuss whatever you like on my Facebook Community -

G-R-P Doctor Who Spoiler Thread

If you aren't ready or able to watch the episode yet, fear not, it will be there when you are ready and it will all be contained so you can still enjoy our community of geeks and nerds.

Please join us and enjoy maximized empowerment.

#doctorwho, #maximizedempowerment

Confessions of Nerd Girl

Dear Peter Jackson,

I loved your treatment of the LotR trilogy and I was very excited to hear you were going to film "The Hobbit". Like many I was quite curious to see what you were going to glean from the numerous secondary sources Mr. Tolkien wrote to pull out THREE epic films.

I was also delighted to hear that you were going to include appearances from The Nine in homage, they all seemed to really enjoy their time filming the original movies and who doesn't like to spend some time with their mates?

What I do not understand, nor can I really find a place in my heart to tolerate is your insistence at pushing Legolas to what appears to be a prominent role in the next two parts of "The Hobbit". I understand there is a place for him in the story, he could be conceivably the right elf in the right place. Story continuity is great. But now that I have seen the previews, Mr. Jackson, you have put more screen time into Legolas in the trailers than he should rightfully have in the whole film.

Please do not misunderstand me, my heart races a little when he draws his bow or wields his double blades, he is a magnificent elf who can eat crackers in my bed anytime. But he does not belong in these films. 

More importantly, who are you to write fanfic and give him a girlfriend? You have taken such great care and consideration until now. What were you thinking? 

Those who know me know that the presence of women in media, geekdom and nerddoms are near and dear to my heart. Nothing makes me happier than to see gender not be a consideration in casting decisions. But you have gone too far, Mr. Jackson. You have added a storyline that already detracts from the story and the movie hasn't even been released. Legolas' love life is not the subject of "The Hobbit". You have diluted your own work and for what? 

I can assure you the women that you hoped to attract by this addition would have come to see a brief glimpse of Orlando Bloom revisit his former role and they would have gone home to happily dream up their own fanfic. We do not need your assistance in this matter. 

What you have done has made me a very cranky potential viewer, because now I must endure your fanfic while I try to watch around it to see Bilbo infiltrate Smaug's lair, which is actually part of the plot of "The Hobbit". You have introduced an unnecessary distraction. I am disappointed, sir. I had hoped for better from you.

Nerd Girl

Cancer Sucks, part 2

As promised, I have sent questions to two gamers who are near and dear to my heart who were unfortunately diagnoses with breast cancer. Our second guest is the effervescent Madelyn Levine.

G-R-P: Tell us a little bit about yourself and your gaming background. 

Maddie: I am 33 years old and grew up in Lynchburg Virginia with my parents and younger sister. I was the yearbook photographer for 3 years in High School and went to Bridgewater College with a degree in History with a minor in Spanish. When I was in college I met my ex-fiance and he brought me to my first LARP. I have been playing in OWBN for 13 almost 14 years now and I have been loving it ever since. I think the thing that keeps me enjoying it is a refuse to be a Coord, a Council Member, or an ST. I like to think of myself as Dorothy, I pay no attention to the man behind the curtain and stay blissfully ignorant of the qualities that make people leave or enjoy the game less. 

I have played a few tabletop games but find them to be a little too math heavy for my taste. I enjoy playing Munchkin and Cards against Humanity. I also enjoy playing Cranium, Mahjong, Wise and Otherwise, Bethump'd, and Trivial Pursuit among other board games.

When did you first suspect you had beast cancer? 

On July 4th of 2009 I came home and felt a lump, probably the size of a lemon, in my left breast. I thought I had just bruised it rough housing in the pool with my friend's daughters. I left it alone for 3 months because I thought it was just a deep tissue bruise and needed time for the blood to get reabsorbed or dissipate.

When were you diagnosed? How old were you at that time?

I then had an appointment with my OBGYN in October and told her about the lump that I thought was a bruise. A week later I had an ultrasound. Then a week or two later I had an appointment with a breast surgeon and she just thought it was fat necrosis but ordered a biopsy anyway. I had one and it was kinda painful. I came back a week later, alone, because she made it sound like it wasn't anything too serious. She told me I had cancer. I was 29. Alone in the exam room and my world was crashing down. She let me borrow her office to call my Mom and my husband, Sooper. I then went for my first appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Felice. I had a PET scan and found out that it had metastasized to my liver, lungs, and spine.

How old were you when you started treatment? 

On December 8th, 2009 I had my port put in and on December 21st 2009 I had my first chemotherapy treatment. I had chemo for 10 months and then started having toxicity issues and stopped treatment for a few months, then started back on a different drug for 6 more months. Then on August 7th 2010 I had a lumpectomy. Then in October 2010 had radiation. Since July of 2010 I have been on Tamoxifen. 

How has breast cancer affected your day to day life? 

 I started feeling well enough to work for about 2 months in early 2012 and because the job was unrealistic in it's expectations I had to leave. I started using a representative with the Department of Rehabilitative Services but they weren't able to find anything for me. I will eventually go back to them again, hopefully at the beginning of 2014. 

I had a recurrence of cancer in my hips in 2012, had radiation, and still have pain in my hips that I think I finally have under control. Because of all the pain meds I've been on I was hospitalized for a week and a half in September of 2013 with severe vomiting for about 3 weeks and I hope that won't happen again. 

For now I am just trying to feel better and get back on a normal sleep schedule as the steroids I was on when I was on Chemo caused me to have insomnia, which I still suffer from even now. 

Your ability to game? You play Nosferatu, did you use your appearance in 

character in any way? 

 I did have times when I wasn't able to game due to nausea, or tiredness, or just generally out of sorts and I know I was missed and worried about.When I started losing all of my hair in clumps I eventually just shaved it down with my husband's beard trimmer. I never went so far as shaving it with a razor. Some of my friends as a show of solidarity shaved their heads and it made me proud and it made me feel loved. I mostly just lived in a bandana, a hat, or sometimes a wig when I was feeling adventurous, cold, or exotic. I eventually had my hair grow back and now it's just on my nerves. I had to relearn how to have hair, it being on my neck, the warmth of it, and putting it up so it isn't in my face. 

My Nos didn't really have any issues because the specific repugnant traits for her are tusks and elfy ears. It was easier to do the ears when I didn't have hair in the way.

How has the gaming community helped you through this time? 

My friends at game were the thing that spurred me on the most. They started a SooperMad retest and raised money for Sooper and I to function in our everyday lives. I look forward to playing weekly and still have little time that I leave the house during the week so most of my weekends are spent with friends and hanging out with them and gaming. 

Have you been determined to be cancer free? When did that happen? 

I was originally deemed to be in remission in June of 2011 but had a recurrence in 2012 so it's complicated. For now i'm stable nothing growing or changing. 

What issues still give you difficulty? 

Because the radiation weakened my bones a bit and the cancer in my spine is hard to treat I still have bone treatments monthly to strengthen my bones to keep the cancer from getting back in to them. Because my cancer is estrogen positive I also have shots to shut down my reproductive system so I have no estrogen created in my body. I am in chemically induced menopause and probably will be for the next few years. Breast cancer is said to have 5 year recurrence rate so I expect to be a few more years still in this process.

What, if anything, positive things have you been able to take away from this experience? 

One of the positives I have taken away from all of this is that modern medicine has come along way. Ten or more years ago my cancer diagnosis would have been more of a death sentence. Modern medicines, nutrition, radiation, and chemotherapy and how they interact, the research of how they work, and all the studies to get where we are today medically are very appreciated. Sometimes you just see people as awful human beings, stupid, violent, uncaring, and selfish. Another positive is that I saw the soft underbelly of humanity and the charity that raised some money to help me in my recovery journey. Scares That Care was always a charity I was involved with periferally but not directly. A lot of charities make money for themselves first and only really give a small percentage of that money to an actual cause. There are few genuine charities where 100% of the proceeds go to the recipient or recipients; Scares That Care is one of those charities. The people who run the charity are volunteers and make no money off of the donations and genuinely help 3 struggling families a year with various conditions yearly. 

What do you think others should know about cancer, gaming or in general? 

My advice is just to know your body. Whether you do it yourself, make it part of your sexual experiences, or have a doctor examine you, feel every part of your body, look at freckles and moles, evaluate if something you think might be a minor issue could be something more serious. Get a physical sometimes. Every year may not be possible but at least see a doctor a few times when you aren't sick to evaluate anything troubling, something that feels or looks wrong, or if you are coughing up, peeing, pooping, or excreting blood from anywhere. It could save your life or the lives of others if you see someone ignore something or ignore it yourself.

As for gaming you should at least once in your life play something that is the exact opposite of your personality and lifestyle. I'm not saying you should take up playing a racial supremacist with a penchant for necrophilia, just that if your a quiet or shy person you should play a loud person boisterous person just to see if you can.

Once again, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Please remember to complete your self-exams monthly and take the best care of yourself you can. 1 in 8 women (approximately 12%) will develop invasive breast cancer in their life time. Breast cancer isn't just a disease of women, approximately 2,200 new cases of breast cancer is diagnosed in men each year, about 1:1,000. 

You can find more information at the National Breast Cancer Awareness Month website http://www.nbcam.org/, the Susan G. Komen site  http://ww5.komen.org/, and the American Cancer Society website http://www.cancer.org/healthy/morewaysacshelpsyoustaywell/breastcancer?gclid=CMzq95iHuLoCFUyd4Aodb0kAmw

Enjoy Maximized Empowerment!

No matter where you go, there you are. ~ Buckaroo Bonzai

This has been a week of revelations for me, some for the better some not so much.

I had the distinct pleasure of going out on a date with my (second) best guy, my son Thomas. Last night was the Mother - Son Social at school. We got our Halloween costumes on and headed out. We had a lot of fun, until we got to the dancing portion of the night.

Thomas loves to dance and I love to dance. But I haven't danced or participated in any real physical activity for some time. The past couple of years have been rough, but I underestimated how low my stamina had gotten. A couple energetic dances in and I was done. It was a real eye opener. We stayed for a while and he did have a good time, I just wish that it had gone better on my end.

I have resolved to improve my physical activity, which with winter rolling in early, could be tricky. I will not allow my body to prevent me from spending time with those who matter most to me. I will not embrace the "Thin or Else" message we see in today's society. I will communicate with my children that my reasons are for the purposes of better health. I doubt any of that will be necessary, since they seem well grounded, but I over prepare.

In keeping with the message of self-love and being with my family, the past three weeks I implemented "girl time" with Kate, which has mostly been us doing each other's nails and hanging out for a bit. It has afforded us about an hour of time where we can sit down at a table together, share some physical contact of a nurturing king and talk about whatever. Today Kate told me she really likes doing this. I felt that little thrill of victory, knowing that in the years to come this closeness might ebb and flow, but at least for this moment I know I have beaten this particular level's boss fight.

Being healthy is not just a body or mind thing, it's a holistic and whole person kind of thing. I am happy with who I am on the inside, now I need to get the outside back up to par because there are more adventures waiting to be conquered!

Enjoy Maximized Empowerment!

Cancer Sucks, Part 1

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Breast cancer, any cancer, strikes the fear in the hearts of people when they hear it. I have several friends who were all told at one time or another that they had breast cancer. Fortunately all of them are survivors. If there is one thing I have learned from my time as an oncology nurse and supportive friend, you can never love your friends enough, you never know how or when, but you do know you will never have enough time with them.

Two of my friends have been gracious enough to share their stories with me and you. I know both of these wonderful ladies from my time in the One World by Night gaming organization (old World of Darkness). Ironically, they both played Nosferatu.

First up, Mary-An Tedder of California.

GRP: Tell us a little bit about yourself and your gaming background. 

M-A:    Ah, the dreaded, "tell me about yourself" question... Well, My name is Mary-An, I'm a shy introvert who still wants social interaction and somehow ended up playing an extroverted harpy, among other things.  I love gardening, animals, reading, writing, music, cooking, creating things from silly paper snowflakes to ball gowns... and gaming.  When it isn't too full of drama, anyway.  

     What I like most about gaming is the social interaction and the acting.  For a shy person, that sheet of paper is a safety net, in a way.  It gives you a sense of both freedom and protection, because it's "someone else" that people see.  And then, later, when the paper goes away (as all characters do), the people around you are already people you know, who may or may not have character sheets that you also know.

     I have done RPing of various types for most of my life, but LARP was different.  Something my then-teenage son found that we went to check out, to see if we thought it was something he could do (he wasn't 18 yet).  We ended up making characters and staying, in addition to signing his permission slip.  And it was addictive.

     I am a massage therapist by trade, have been for many years.  My job is not a high-stress one most of the time.  This does not always apply to the rest of my life, though, and I am unfortunately just a bit too empathetic at times for my own good.

     MY cancer was a complete surprise.  I and most of the people around me had been ill with a flu that included swollen lymph nodes, so when I found a swollen node in my armpit, I wasn't surprised.  My partner had one, too, and was recovering, and my symptoms were lessening.  Then it suddenly went from the armpit to my right breast, swollen and warm.  Obviously this was not normal... so I went to the doctor.  She thought the flu had led to mastitis and sent me home with antibiotics.

     We decided to do a mammogram anyway, just to be safe, and the doctor wrote the recommendation in such a way that if needed, an untrasound or something could also be done.  When the mammogram showed a small mass but was inconclusive as to what type (it could have just been swelling or infection), the ultrasound was done.  It, too, proved inconclusive, and the tech asked if I wanted to go ahead and do an untrasound- assisted biopsy.  I agreed.  I still didn't think it would be cancer - after all, I mostly tend to eat very healthy things, I get over illnesses quickly, and all of that, right?

     Meanwhile, my poor partner has been waiting for hours, wondering and worrying that I haven't come back out.  Finally, someone told her that more tests were being done.  At which point, she claims she knew it was cancer, but hoped she was wrong.  Turns out she was right.  The biopsy came back positive for cancer.

     I was 45 years old, and I had breast cancer.  I was... less than thrilled.  This happened in May of 2010.  A lumpectomy was recommended, and I began chemotherapy against my better judgement (I react weirdly to most meds, and chemo meds are something I didn't want to have a freaky reaction to).  There was a great deal of pressure to follow the standard treatment, both from the medical profession and from family.

     Cancer itself wasn't actually that hard to live with - after that first week, there was no swelling, little pain, nothing. Until I started treatment..  That was hard, but only sometimes.  Several days, I couldn't get out of bed because my legs wouldn't work.  It was almost like I had MS.  Other times, I was fine.  I became afraid to make any commitments to anything because I never knew if I would be able to do anything.  My attendance at game (or anywhere) became spotty.

     On the other hand, when I called for a head-shaving and henna party, many of my friends from Game showed up to show their support (and to get henna tats).  I put Heather Pope on the spot, and she ended up doing intricate henna artwork all over my entire head after it was shaved (by my poor, terrified partner).  Actually, I kind of liked the way my head looked bald and covered with henna.

     My Nosferatu had a burned appearance, and most of the princes wanted all Nosferatu to look "presentable", so she tended to wear wigs and other such IC costuming.  Which means that any changes in my appearance from cancer didn't really fit with my Nos's appearance or were covered by her usual costuming.  At least, until I had a mastectomy (the lumpectomy didn't work).  Then, the uneven breasts did sort of fit the character concept.

     On the nights I was able to go to game, I enjoyed the time away from doctors all the more.  I did have to stop being an archon, because I couldn't be available enough of the time for it.  I NEEDED the time away, I needed the interaction that made me come out of myself because otherwise I tended to hermit away or become depressed.  (I swear hermit can be a verb!)  So gaming did help me.  I know I made a lot of people feel awkward, because they didn't know what to say, but they didn't ostracize me or anything (which in my worst moments I was afraid of happening).

     As of my last tests, I was cancer free, but it's time again to get them, and I have been having some symptoms again.  Hopefully those symptoms are only from the nerve damage the surgery caused me and not more cancer.  I am hopeful.  This whole thing is not exactly a battle with cancer, but often a battle with the insurance companies, who often try to get out of paying for expensive treatments, sometimes doctors and technicians (you really have to be your own advocate, or you will be treated like a statistic or a number if you're not careful).

     Here is a link to a song, "The Bald-headed Blues" by Saffire, that sort of fits my idea of this:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNaW6FyiJRI&list=RD029lsKDrL2OmQ     

     Issues that still give me difficulty:  While I was unable to work from surgery recovery (which had a few minor complications that made the recovery take longer than usual), many of my massage clients found other therapists.  After a year of not being able to do massage because it is such a physical job, I had only a few clients left.  A few returned, of course.  So at a time when I needed all the money I could get to try to recoup all the money spent on treatments, I had a lessened income.  

     I suspect this is probably true of most people who don't have mostly sedentary jobs.  I had been told it would be only a few months recovery... until they heard what I did.  Then the time kept extending.  This of course means we got way behind financially, something we are still struggling with.

    A nerve under my arm was cut, leaving me with a large area of numbness under my arm, down my side and down my arm.  It feels heavy, often cold, and a weird tingly-numb semi-swollen sensation all the time that is just strange, but mostly doesn't actually interfere with doing anything unless I have actually overdone it and it really is swollen (as opposed to only feeling like it is).

     I look older, and my hair came back in all grey and thin (a bit of a shock, since I wasn't gray before and have always had very thick hair), and has a completely different texture that I have a hard time styling.  My eyebrows still haven't really come back and are only half there.  And, of course, there are scars that sometimes hurt or itch.

     Mostly, in other words, I am still me, I'm still fine, and cancer has affected me in a lot of ways, but I have not been devastated by it.  I count myself as the winner in this.

GRP: What do people need to know about cancer or gaming?  

M-A: Well, when someone is trying to find their way through any kind of serious condition (cancer being only one of them), drama of any kind isn't helpful.  Telling them the things they "should have done" to prevent its occurrence (most of which I had done anyway, and some of which were kind of crazy), or the things they should be doing now to "get over it" doesn't help them, unless they ask.  Trust me, they've already heard it, most likely, and are already wondering whether or not doing just that one thing different might have made a difference.

    On the other hand, being there for them in any way IS helpful, as long as you let them rest when they're tired.  If you want to go over and help them, do so... but don't just hang around, unless that's what they ask you to do.  DO something.  Wash some dishes,  Take/make them a dinner (and make sure they aren't on a special diet, or if they are, make something that fits it).  Wash a load or two of clothes.  Mow the lawn.  Anything.  It may embarrass them, but it really does help.  

     I got help during chemo from a church and from friends, but by the time surgery came around, the church people were gone and many of the other people who'd been helping weren't able to help any more.  So when I needed it most after surgery, most of the help I was getting was gone.  Now, don't get me wrong; that doesn't mean that the help they had given before was any less helpful or that I blamed my friends for having lives, but maybe if it could have been spread out somehow instead of all at the beginning, it would have been easier for me... if not for them.  I don't like the way that sounds, because I'm not whining; I'm really trying to help the next person that might be affected.  Oh, well.

     Anyway... I hope that helps.

GRP: Thank you Mary-An for sharing your story with us. When the initial flurry of diagnosis is over, a lot of times people don't realize just what a long haul journey beating cancer can be. You have always been a great friend to me. Thank you for allowing me to celebrate your life!